so far this semester i have been trying to stay on top of things and make sure i do all the little things right so my days are less stressful in the end. last night we had our first campaigners of the semester at the Burley's house. i was sitting next to Hannah, a freshman at Mason, and we were talking about things we can do better to stay more "spiritually fit" and Hannah said she needs to focus more on the things she does anyways. it totally put into words what i have been feeling for so long! everyday i am doing the same things over and over, but half the time i feel like i am just rushing through them to get them out of the way, but they just keep coming back. we have to put everything we have into those things so we can be proud at the end of the day with where we put our time and efforts.
me and one of my best friends had a hard conversation this past week about making hard decisions and being okay with them. this is something i have been struggling with for like a year and a half now...we talked about how we always pray that God will show us what decision to make and then we sit around expecting it to just all make sense one day; that we'll see a sign that points us in the right direction. but i have found in the last few years that this just doesn't happen the way we think it will. sometimes we will make a decision and second guess ourselves for years to come. i know.
what Hannah said though really caused me to refocus. so often God speaks through our everyday life...he doesn't just cause a big random event to occur that guides us, but he whispers throughout our mundane, everyday lives. if i would just focus more on what i am doing each day...really put my thoughts and energy into them, then i am going to get way more out. there is a reason that my life is the way it is right now. God is trying to teach me something through my classes, homework, friends, living situation, teammates....if I am just looking ahead for some miraculous event i am going to miss the great lessons to be learned through all of this. so just pray for me this week that i can try to refocus on life the way it is. and i hope you are learning a lot too :-)
*The Lord your God is with you...He will take great delight in you, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing."
Zephaniah 3:17
Monday, January 28, 2008
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
all of this is more than i've ever known or seen.
nerves are lame.
i have this problem you see. i get really really nervous at the worst times possible. sometimes i get nervous when i'm not even really nervous. so i guess that doesn't seem bad, but the fact that i am nervous can be overlooked, until i tell you that my body reacts violently to nerves. haha....let me explain:
situation A: whenever i like someone, like reeeeeally have a crush. every time i see them my heart stops. (awww)...and then my face turns bright red. like tomato soup red. like "dilyn are you choking?" red. that is just one thing you can't do anything about either. and then my tongue like sticks to the roof of my mouth and all the cool things i had thought of to say are out the window. so i just sit there smiling with a bright red face looking like a complete fool. it's SOOOO frustrating!!! haha...i just want to play it cool, talk to them normally. but no....nerves.
situation B: i really hate heights. but i wish i didn't. i always tell myself that i'm not afraid of heights, but then when faced with the situation i panic. when i am about to get onto a ropes course i act like everything is cool...but really, there is a war raging inside. when i am in line for a roller coaster...i WISH i loved roller coasters. but i don't. i reach the verge of tears every time i am line for a roller coaster. i don't know why...i never had a bad experience. but i just get so worked up. but then as soon as i get off of it i have this rush of adrenaline and am SOOOOO excited that i just did that. i mean, i know i will feel like that when i get off...but i just can NOT get on willingly. it sucks. i just want to enjoy it you know. nerves...
situation C: i have prepared for a test for weeks and i am so ready to take it. then i sit down, look at problem 1...and completely blank out. sometime between high school and college i became the world's worst test taker. i'm not really sure how it happened...but i am just so bad at concentrating all the way through tests now. i might completely know the material...but while im taking it all i can think the whole way through is "asdflkjen slksdf osudfjen sdfkjas dfoi jslsdfkjf."....seriously...nothing i think makes any sense and i trick myself into second guessing everything...NERVES.
they suck...they suck. that's all i can say.
i just wish i didn't care sometimes...i wish i knew how to clear my head in these situations. i wish i didn't freak out about things that are supposed to be fun. i wonder what God was thinking when he gave us nerves? and i wonder when God felt nervous? it's actually pretty cool to think about. i feel these things for a reason. and someday i will understand why....
i have this problem you see. i get really really nervous at the worst times possible. sometimes i get nervous when i'm not even really nervous. so i guess that doesn't seem bad, but the fact that i am nervous can be overlooked, until i tell you that my body reacts violently to nerves. haha....let me explain:
situation A: whenever i like someone, like reeeeeally have a crush. every time i see them my heart stops. (awww)...and then my face turns bright red. like tomato soup red. like "dilyn are you choking?" red. that is just one thing you can't do anything about either. and then my tongue like sticks to the roof of my mouth and all the cool things i had thought of to say are out the window. so i just sit there smiling with a bright red face looking like a complete fool. it's SOOOO frustrating!!! haha...i just want to play it cool, talk to them normally. but no....nerves.
situation B: i really hate heights. but i wish i didn't. i always tell myself that i'm not afraid of heights, but then when faced with the situation i panic. when i am about to get onto a ropes course i act like everything is cool...but really, there is a war raging inside. when i am in line for a roller coaster...i WISH i loved roller coasters. but i don't. i reach the verge of tears every time i am line for a roller coaster. i don't know why...i never had a bad experience. but i just get so worked up. but then as soon as i get off of it i have this rush of adrenaline and am SOOOOO excited that i just did that. i mean, i know i will feel like that when i get off...but i just can NOT get on willingly. it sucks. i just want to enjoy it you know. nerves...
situation C: i have prepared for a test for weeks and i am so ready to take it. then i sit down, look at problem 1...and completely blank out. sometime between high school and college i became the world's worst test taker. i'm not really sure how it happened...but i am just so bad at concentrating all the way through tests now. i might completely know the material...but while im taking it all i can think the whole way through is "asdflkjen slksdf osudfjen sdfkjas dfoi jslsdfkjf."....seriously...nothing i think makes any sense and i trick myself into second guessing everything...NERVES.
they suck...they suck. that's all i can say.
i just wish i didn't care sometimes...i wish i knew how to clear my head in these situations. i wish i didn't freak out about things that are supposed to be fun. i wonder what God was thinking when he gave us nerves? and i wonder when God felt nervous? it's actually pretty cool to think about. i feel these things for a reason. and someday i will understand why....
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
500 self portraits
so im taking this class that examines different portraits and what the artist was trying to convey through them and how different people in different situations view themselves and their surroundings differently. i mean...it's not all bad i guess. but i can't help but think every time we pull apart a portrait, that we really probably have no clue what this artist was really thinking. i mean, if i was an artist, i would just paint something and be like..."wow, that looks sweet." and then i would hang it somewhere and laugh as all the smartypants tried to pick it apart as a thoughtful piece in which every stroke means something...come on people...this isn't the Bible...maybe a guy just thought something would look sweet and it did, so he's happy. end of story.
it's such an easy comparison to life though. so often we read so far into what people might be thinking or saying and really they are just simply thinking exactly what it seems. i drive myself crazy sometimes reading so far into different words and situations that i end up drowning and forgetting what they even said in the first place.
i have always prided myself in being a good listener. but the more i have thought about it...just being a person who is always there to sit and stare at you while you are talking isn't a good listener to me anymore. sometimes i find myself staring at the person talking while my mind wanders to the far corners of the earth...that is not listening, that is tolerating. a good listener needs to take things at face value, but ask the questions that could dig deeper into the persons words. i need to be able to walk away from a conversation and remember enough to think through it again and rethink what they were getting at and be able to pray for what they need. so often i say things that only scratch the surface of what im thinking, but im hoping for the person to pick up on a deeper meaning. i want people to listen and really listen and pick up on things...but i rarely do that for others. i have to be ok with asking the hard questions and challenge what is being said if i don't agree with it.
active. active. active.
its hard. its not something that im good at though and so it drives me to be better.
pray for that.
it's such an easy comparison to life though. so often we read so far into what people might be thinking or saying and really they are just simply thinking exactly what it seems. i drive myself crazy sometimes reading so far into different words and situations that i end up drowning and forgetting what they even said in the first place.
i have always prided myself in being a good listener. but the more i have thought about it...just being a person who is always there to sit and stare at you while you are talking isn't a good listener to me anymore. sometimes i find myself staring at the person talking while my mind wanders to the far corners of the earth...that is not listening, that is tolerating. a good listener needs to take things at face value, but ask the questions that could dig deeper into the persons words. i need to be able to walk away from a conversation and remember enough to think through it again and rethink what they were getting at and be able to pray for what they need. so often i say things that only scratch the surface of what im thinking, but im hoping for the person to pick up on a deeper meaning. i want people to listen and really listen and pick up on things...but i rarely do that for others. i have to be ok with asking the hard questions and challenge what is being said if i don't agree with it.
active. active. active.
its hard. its not something that im good at though and so it drives me to be better.
pray for that.
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