running away.

the past two weeks have been some of the hardest in a long long while.

last week i found out friday morning that i did indeed tear my right ACL...make that a pair of bum knees.

i have surgery scheduled for next Thursday afternoon, March 6th and i am pretty nervous about it. i have already had 2 ACL surgeries on my left knee, so you'd think i would be an old pro...but this one is going to be a little bit different...this time they are numbing my entire leg which they never did before...so basically i am going to wake up and my body is going to think there is no leg there for about 12-24 hours....AHHH!! i am so nervous about that feeling and if they pain is going to be worse because of this method! so pray for that...

anyways. i have come to grips with the surgery now and am beginning to search through why God chose to speak to me in this way again. i have already seen it have a big impact on many of my plans and one of the first things i knew God was saying to me was "This life is mine, not your own."...i can never plan out even tomorrow, it is all in God's hands.

so now i am about to drive up to Grand Rapids with my dad where he will drop me off with some of my best friends in the entire world!!! i am soooooo ready for this :-)

shuffle.

got this idea from noel.

first 10 songs that pop up on my ipod (in shuffle mode) will help you determine if you will like me or not....

1. I Really Want You - James Blunt
2. Centuries - Stars of Track and Field
3. Expo '86 - Death Cab for Cutie
4. Maneater - Nelly Furtado
5. Natural Mystic - Bob Marley
6. Alexithymia - Anberlin
7. Better Off Scientist - MashUp (Sum41v.Coldplay)
8. Freshman Year - Everyday Sunday
9. Wrong With Me - RX Bandits
10. Dream On - Aerosmith

ill have to do this more often...kind of fun.

pray.

for the last few days i have been clinging to psalm 142:3

"When my spirit was overwhelmed within me, then, You knew my path."

i have been running on high stress levels and low sleep levels for the last few days now. i keep getting visions of wearing a brace again and having my leg all wrapped up again....i am getting so freaked out. i am so scared. i can't handle this right now. i can't wrap my head around the possibility of going through another acl surgery...

the thing that scares me most is how real this body is. if i have to get surgery again, I am going to have two bad knees...two knees that will be tricky...two knees...all i have. and they will never ever again be normal. i am so scared....

i know that God works through all things. i know that God won't put me through more than i can handle....trust me...i clung to those promises the first two times. but as a see a third looming in the future...i cant help but ask God if im missing something. what the heck is it that i am only going to learn through this? why not another way God? any other way but this...

this life is no longer my own. last night, laying in bed completely broken, i saw that there will be absolutely no way i can handle this surgery a third time. i physically and emotionally don't know if i can withstand this...and that's why i surrender. God i surrender it all to you, right now...take this burden and carry it for me, because i can't do it.

pray for me. pray for the doctors decisions. pray for the future. and pray that God's will becomes clear to me.

losing my way.

i was playing basketball last night and i did something to my knee.

when it first happened i was sure it was my acl. i landed with all of my weight on my right leg and my knee buckled. i didnt feel a pop, but i felt a definite strain.

missy said it could be meniscus, acl, or lcl.

i have already had two acl surgeries on my left knee.

all i want to do is have fun and play basketball.

i dont know if i can do this again....

on a valentines day.

i never realized how many songs there actually are specifically about valentines day.

i feel like this is a day that people look forwards to all year, but then when it's here it brings nothing but secret (or not) disappointment. like everyone talks about it in anticipation of what it will bring, but by the time it's over people just seem to remember all the bad things it may entail.

maybe thats just a pessimistic view...who know.
i don't seem to have good luck with valentines day.

buuuuuut. i did get cards and flowers from good friends which is enough to celebrate!
love those guys.
i am surrounded by some pretty selfless and great people.

<3

when i'm not myself.

sometimes i just don't know what's wrong anymore.
i know that something isn't right and i know that i'm not happy with myself sometimes, but i can't figure out what to do about it. it's bad when you can't even see the fact that you are acting like a jerk sometimes, but i know that i act like a jerk and i can't seem to figure out how to stop it.
this year i have been letting the sarcastic side of myself win over.
i have had one boyfriend and something we always talked about was sarcasm and how to control it. it kind of ruined the way we treated each other. instead of taking time to really get to know one another sometimes we just tried to make each other laugh or i would just try to make him think i was hilarious. but i feel like i use it as a cop out and a way to avoid reality. i just act sarcastic to get out of awkward situations or conversations when i really need to just grow up and act like a woman.

i get a magazine called Brio. it's a magazine geared towards christian girls trying to become women and it was packed full of exactly the things i needed to read this month. there was an article on acting like a girl and acting like a woman. here is what it said:
1. A girl downplays compliments while a woman knows how to accept them and take credit for something she has done well.
2. A girl steers clear of confrontation while a woman knows it is important to let others know what she thinks about certain situations.
3. A girl apologizes too much and takes the blame for things that aren't even her fault and a woman takes ownership for those things that are her fault otherwise she offers help, but refuses to take the blame for things that aren't her fault.
4. A girl is a people-pleaser striving for peace with all at all costs while a woman knows how to say no and realizes that genuine friends are those who will understand when she has to say no, understands she has a reason and loves her anyways.

let me tell you i have tons of room to grow in every single one of these points. this week i am learning to keep my heart clean, run towards God through everything, and grow into a woman of God. i see that there is a long and treacherous road laid out before me that will challenge me again and again and i can only pray that i represent God as a true woman after his own heart in each of those situations.
pray for me in this battle.

"Therefore I do not run like a man running aimlessly; I do not fight like a man beating the air."
-1 Corinthians 9:26

and i asked God, why?

i just listened to this youtube video.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zCdZwitrNoY

a child is so wise.
kids know how to love unconditionally.
they see no stereotypes.
they believe in a greater good.
they can see the best in anyone.
they will befriend anyone.
germs don't matter.
it doesn't matter how important you are to the world, if you're a jerk, they don't respect that.
they have a faith that can move a mountain.

how quickly i label myself as an adult and force myself to grow out of these beliefs. i find myself dismissing them as "childish" (in a bad way) and naive. when really...

this is love. pure and simple. love.

sleep through the static.

just ran out to Meijer at 1am and bought the new Jack Johnson CD.

im pretty excited about that. yup.
that merited a whole blog. :-)

what means the most.

i just went home today for a few hours to do my little sisters hair for her high school dance and have an amazing home cooked steak and potatoes dinner a la me padre. i love going home. but it's so weird how new routines soon become normalcy. ive been away at college for over a year and a half now. at dinner i talked me my parents about my plans to go up north to work for the summer at Sleeping Bear and they were all for it, no reservations. afterwards i was talking to my littlest sister (she just turned 11) and asked her what she would think of me being gone the whole summer....a lot of my hesitation has come from being away from my family for such a long period. part of me feels like ive unintentionally abandoned my siblings since im the oldest. like i broke up the family routine....but when i asked if she would miss me instead of the usually fake sob, so just shrugged her shoulders. she said it was kind of normal now, me being gone and that was okay, she understood...and it stinks sometimes. but it's normal.

when i grew up my family did everything together all the time. my mom never worked and was at home with us always, and since my dad was a teacher he would always be home when we were. we would travel as a family to his basketball games...i remember reading books to my siblings on the car rides to the away games. at one point i shared a room with my brother and sister and either i or my dad would read them to sleep every night...once i brought harry potter home to read in 5th grade, dad got kicked out of the circle, i brought the goods ;-)...

but now, for my littlest sister...life isnt like that. while i feel like im missing out on watching her grow up. she doesnt know any different. i should have know though. i should have realized that she would be fine. she is completely different than i ever was...she has grown up on video games, which i never had. she got to watch pg13 movies when she was like 7. she hates sports and acts like a maniac, both of which i was the complete opposite of. she is the youngest and when she is my age she'll have her own stories to tell.

someone has to be the oldest. someone has to blaze the trail. it just sucks that its me sometimes. sometimes i wish i could just walk through my front door, throw off my backpack and crash on my bed with a book just like old times. but now if i ever did that everyone would ask what the heck i was doing home.

so with that said. i am currently sliding my cover letter, resume, and transcripts into a huge manila envelope and getting ready to send off my application to work up at Sleeping Bear Dunes for the summer. and i am SOOOOOOOOSOSOSOSOSOSOS freaking excited! pray for my decision. pray that i get the job. pray that i work with sweet people.

and just call me Ranger Duffey :-)