you know we don't have all the time in the world.

so still trying to figure out life.

1. biggest decision right now is figuring out this summer and what to do.
2. second decision is figuring out my schedule of classes for next year.
3. third thing on my mind is boys. of course.

sooooo...
1. for this summer i just talked to my potential supervisor and she said that they really really like me and want to offer me a job, however they aren't sure they would be able to give me the week off for camp that i requested...which in my head i am thinking "ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!"...i want this job so badly! it is a very prestigious student job and will look amaaaaaazing on my resume and provide me with some great connections later in life. the thought of being up north for an entire summer is like a dream to me...but there is just no way i could miss camp. just no way. i have been praying so hard about this for so long. since last summer i have dreamed about this job. i know God has this all under control and he is planning a summer that is going to change my life. it sucks because i know that if God wanted me working up north he wouldn't make me sacrifice so much of younglife and what i have been working towards with so many of those girls that mean the world to me. as much as we think we know what we want, God knows better and he will provide for us in a way that will maximize growing opportunities. so i am continuing to pray for that.


2. i spent the weekend in Rochester with Kae which was sooo fun! and her mom is the scheduling genius so we talked about my schedule for the next few years and tried figuring that out. after i met with my adviser a few weeks ago i was feeling really discouraged, like doubting if i have what it takes to complete my major well and become a physical therapist. the next two years could go amazing or could be disastrous...so i am just praying that God grants me peace with my major and know that he is going to give me the tools to do the job he has in mind for me no matter if it's what i'm thinking right now or not.

3. boys. #s 1 and 2 are demanding most of my prayer life and energy...and #3 always has a way of taking away from that. just being nervous that i am missing something or that i am being too picky (even though i know im not) are nagging too much lately. i am working on keeping a pure heart and making sure that i am approaching every situation asking questions and not letting my heart rule my head. as much as i would love to date and get married and all that stuff, it's cool knowing that this time is preparing me for that stuff. it's fun being alone and free to decide just me and God, not another person too. i am working on running after God's heart and then seeing who is following after. i know God is going to make things known to me when he feels like i am ready to handle that. he works in mysterious ways and i have definitely realized lately that as much as we are sure of things God has bigger plans...we need only to be still and listen for his direction.

the end of an era.

no more drew neitzel :-(
it's so sad! it's so weird....i remember watching him play his senior year in high school and just being so excited to watch him for the next 4 years at State. and now he's done! and it was a crappy game to end on...i hope people don't let that be their last memory.

it's just weird how things change. how we get older and leave stuff behind.

i was talking to one of my best friends tonight about this...growing up is so necessary, but it's so scary. we talked about how it gets to the point where all you want is just to be able to look ahead in life and have no commitments and no plans and just be able to live free...but that never ever happens. there is always something. i think that's the beauty i always found in summer. it was a breathe of fresh air amidst the chaos and never ending commitments...just freedom. warm, calm...filled with the smells of fresh cut grass and bbq...and the sound of the outdoor basketball courts in full swing. im sad i have to miss out on that part...
summer is when i run, bike, swim and playyyy. but still....that means that this summer is going to be a different kind of breathe. lots of time to sit and think...remember what i am blessed with and look forward to the future.

#11 fo eva and eva :-)

this is the start of something.....old.

after rolling out of bed at 7:10am this morning (gaaaaag) i am officially a physical therapy patient. the journey begins again...

it's funny because i LOVE physical therapy. i love the concept of sports medicine and understanding how the body heals. i love that PT can fix things without medicine or surgery...just you learning how to use your body better. it's so great!
....when it's not you they are working on!....

i am getting kind of nervous this time because if i take the job up north this summer it is going to be cutting physical therapy short here (TBC up north) but i hate leaving things...especially when it involves my knee...feeling unfinished. i calculated it out though and if i work my butt off for the next 12 weeks and get my leg strength up then i can be good to go by May 29th!!!! :-)

so that's my goal. i am ready to push myself like never before...i am going after this. im getting closer to running again, playing basketball again, being able to go up north free of guilt, and embarking on this journey that is allowing me to peek inside my future again and learn a ton of cool stuff while im there! it's weird because this time i am actually in college and PT actually is in the near future so it's awesome to be able to ask Ellie what she's doing and why and discuss techniques and timelines...i am journaling my PT this time to just be able to remember my timeline and what i felt when....when it gets hard, when it feels good...stuff like that! so exciting...

more than ever, i need to feel you.

it is getting to that point when the whole knee thing is just getting old. everyday i have to get rides everywhere i want to go...i still can't drive, but my knee is getting better everyday which i am sure has caused people to wonder why i can't just start walking again...

it's frustrating because with this surgery there comes a point now and then again about every week from here until august when i will think i'm fine and ready to play basketball again...ready to do what i want and not give second thought to a bum knee. but that's not the case. they say my ACL won't be 100% adapted to my body for about a year, but they have gotten the rehab down so most people come back to full contact activities by about 4-5 months. i just remember before, i will be about 3 months along and i feel completely 100% but the doctor and the therapists keep saying, no no no...not yet. just wait. keeping waiting...

i feel like a burden this time with needing rides everywhere and everyone else having 50 million things they have to do themselves...i am getting anxious about this summer because i'm not sure what i'm going to do anymore. i could go up north to work for th summer...that was the original plan, but now i don't know if i will be able to because of physical therapy and not having a car. i'm also just having second thoughts about potentially being gone for the whole summer, but at the same time i really really reallllllly want to go up there!!! like...really....

i met with an adviser this morning and it just got me thinking about oh so many things. i am nervous about my future, and i just have to keep reminding myself that God has me in the palm of his hand and no matter if i think i am failing my own plans i am taking steps closer to God's. i pray everyday that God teaches me to just relax and let go, because every time i start to try and figure out the next 4 years of my life on my own i start getting worked up and stressed out...which doesn't help anything. i am just nervous i am missing the point, but i can only pray that God opens my eyes to his promises and purposes.

<3

in my daydreams...in my sleep.

"all you have to do now is try.
give it your best shot and try."
-the spill canvas


"what is the purpose of my life,
if it doesn't have to do with letting it go?"
-jack johnson


"there's been times,
i'm so confused,
all my roads, they lead to you.
i just can't turn and walk away."
-blues travelers


"just look at yourself inside-
deeper than you ever did.
there's a beautiful mess inside."
-yael naim

ice ice baby.

back at school this week.
i feel like a 5 year old...i need naps every day now...i get so tired!!!
it is actually making me become way more productive though because i have to get stuff done early because i know i am going to be dead at night and ready to fall into bed...which i have been. so i guess it's a blessing and a curse. what can ya do.

it's been weird being on my own. just adjusting to taking care of myself. it's harder because you are your own cheerleader...when it's hard you are the only one who knows and you just have to tell yourself to keep going, that you can do it. it's so hard sometimes...mornings when i can't even shower....when i can't even rewrap my own leg because i can't reach my foot....that's no fun at all. i asked God if he could reach down there and help me out a little bit...haha. no, im kidding- but that would be sweet.

i hope that anyone who ever has or will go through anything hard has also experienced the light at the end of the tunnel. little glimpses of hope and grace are what keep you going on days like this. thank you god.

greys anatomy, bed pans, and ice machines.

well, yesterday i had ACL surgery #3.
everything went smoothly, but they found some meniscus damage as well which they weren't expecting. most of it got cleaned out, but some of it was jagged in a really tight place so the Doc couldn't reach that part...he said when i start running and playing basketball again it will probably bug me a little bit, but when i get a new brace they will design it to take pressure off of it. so thats kind of a bummer because he said it will probably induce arthritis sooner than usual, which is already true of my other knee....but i know God has that all under control.

i was really scared going into surgery. my mom and i went together thursday morning and my dad came a little later from school. i got the IV in right away which always makes my arm ache, and i layed in the bed for about an hour before the anethesiologists (sp?) took me to the block room. here i said bye to the parentals...always a scary time.

in the block room my straight from Greys Anatomy (really really good looking) anesthesiologist explained how they were going to block the nerves in my leg. they used an ultrasound (kind of felt like i was pregnant for a sec...kinda weird) and found a nerve in my groin and one behind my knee and shot both with numbing medicine to numb my whole leg. right before that they had given me an IV of Verset...a "calming" drug...so i was with it but pretty relaxed. soon i couldnt move my leg at all because it was completely numb. my nurse in that room was really really cool and i talked to her for about 45 minutes while i waited for surgery to start...so was explaining me her job and talking me into it....she made $150,000 her first year out of school and only works 3 days a week....WHAT?! amazing...

so by about 1 i was ready for surgery and got wheeled into this TINY room with crap alllllll over the place. it was really weird...like it looked like a storage closet...i was thinking, hmm, i dont know about this. there were a ton of nurses in there and they moved me onto the operating table and strapped my arms off to the side. then they put an "oxygen" mask over by nose and mouth and told me to just breathe regularly....

next thing i knew it was 4pm and i was waking up with a STRONG urge to pee. so here i lost all sense of decency as two grandma aged nurses "bedpanned" me right there. i just went with it...haha. what can you do right? interesting experience though...

but i woke up from surgery shaking really really bad. like i couldn't stop myself and the nurses were kind of worried about it. so they wrapped me with this bubble wrap type stuff that inflatted with hot air and wrapped me in blankets until i stopped shaking...all my muscles are really sore today now because of how tense i got during that. massage anyone? :-) haha...

so anyways...once i was awake enough they took me into the outpatient rooms and moved me to a recliner where my parents came back to see me. i ate some Saltines (not what you want when your mouth and throat are completely dry) and took some pain meds while the nurse finished my paper work. after a quick bathroom break again (they really pump you with fluids) and the nurse almost hitting my foot on the door frame i made it out to the van and home.

everything went great and i feel great. i kept falling asleep yesterday sporadically and just layed around. today some friends stopped by to keep me company! that was really sweet of them! :-) but for now im just taking it easy....my leg doesnt really have much strength in it right now. im on crutches for about a week and have a full leg brace while im trying to get my range of motion back. no driving or anything for a while either...

thank you SOOOOOO much to everyone who has been praying for me and thinking about me. it totally got me through a lot of the anxiety and worry. but now is the hardest part...just pray that my energy keeps up and that i have the motivation to keep pushing myself even when it hurts! love you all.

<3

ironic?

do you believe in irony? or luck?

i am the kind of person that reads way too far into way too many things. sometimes it proves to be a good thing, often it turns out that i am setting myself up for being mislead into thinking or doing the wrong thing. what do you do when a very very ironic series of events take place in your life? do you just let it go and think nothing of it, or does it begin to consume all of your thoughts and time? i can't decide...

part of me knows that God is up to something and part of me wonders if i am just letting this get to my head...do all events in your life really have something to do with each other? or not...

why the internet is creepy.

so i have an ad thing on the side of my blog and it keeps showing ads that pertain to my life...

recently it keeps advertising things about alternative knee surgeries.

???
creeeeeeeeepy.

guts.

just got back from an AMAZING weekend in grand rapids with kel, tiff, brooke, alys, and rach. i seriously love those girls so much and the time i get to spend with them is so fun always...those girls were just so receptive to me right from the first time i met them and were just like true friends that it took forever to meet! it's so crazy how God places people like that in your life.

its funny how every time girls get together though we always talk about EVERRRRYTHING in life and start to analyze it to death...its so fun! but then when i leave and am on my own it makes me think and think and think....

my past just seems to keep on recurring. it has been so long and i feel so good some days, but some days i know that i am not and really haven't been over it ever, although it has gotten easier. kelly said it best: "Dilyn, this is your LIFE. Like seriously...this is it. You only live once."

sometimes i feel like it's too late....like it passed and i just have to let it go...like people move on and are satisfied and happy again. but sometimes i think they havent and they are just settling for what they can get. i know i do that. but its not what i want. its been a long road. trying to figure out if i want things just because i know i cant have them anymore...but after you put your whole heart into something you cant just stop thinking about it....but really. years? i dont know...

i could just be ok with it. i could just accept it and move on. but i cant and i know i wont forgive myself for doing that. i have to step in. i have to say what i feel and know that God will guide my path the way he wants to. that God will help me do his will and he will remain faithful to me even if i doubt that in other people. its scary...but really...this is LIFE, if i say what i feel now, than when? it might be too late....

never let go of something you cant imagine life without. never doubt your feelings. but also know when its ok to move on.