some days you just feel like...really? come on now....really?
things happen and you have little to no control over that.
it sucks.
in the past few days i have been in conversation with a number of different people about random and different things, but the theme is the same throughout...everyone is frustrated with some aspect of their lives...something isn't going "as planned", something isn't working out to our advantage.
we feel like we finally get to a point in our lives when we have everything caught up and under control and we can breathe...but there is that underlying fear of knowing for certain that eventually something will creep up unnoticed and throw our lives and schedules into disarray once again.
i was home for Christmas break this last week. it was great to be home with everyone...but it was different this year. usually when i have gone home for breaks in the past it feels like i am returning to a stable condition that is the same as when i left. but this year it felt like i was an outsider coming into a home. i didn't know what to do with myself for most of the week and so resorted to sleeping for long periods of time...haha, which isn't bad. it was a weird feeling, like not knowing what to do, but enjoying my time, but then feeling waves of guilt when i said my goodbyes on sunday.
to my family, home is still home...i know it always will be. but it never feels like a place i can staystay anymore to me now. just a place to visit. i don't have a room or a place for my things anymore...i don't have a routine about the house...i am just there. i feel like i shouldn't be there for extended periods of time anymore...i have a different home with all my belongings and i am surrounded by great friends that i love spending time with. it's not a bad thing, but i can't figure out that strong urge to cry i feel everytime i pull away from my home and wave to family standing in the front window.
anyways...the point to that random tangent about home, was that we feel like we are finally where we are supposed to be. i was so happy to be on break, not have to worry about school and just relax. happy to go home and not have to cook or do laundry but just sit in good company with no plans or stress...but as much as going home was a vacation to me, it is the everyday lives of my family members living there...their routines continue and their plans don't change too much. i forget that. as soon as i feel like i am safe from stress i start to feel it when i walk in to someone elses life.
it comes from any direction and any time. unannouced.
i have to remind myself that if all our stressors were obvious in their approach or easy to cure we would have no need for prayer. no need for falling to our knees and crying out the the God we have all of our hope and trust in. things suck and don't make sense on quite a regular basis...but new and improved Dilyn in 2009 is trying not to live fear to fear or unplan to unplan.
i am just trying to live in faith.
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
Monday, December 8, 2008
reign of love.
what is a leader?
who is your leader?
are you a leader?
i would like to think i am a leader. but who follows me?...and why.
i am a younglife leader, an older sister, and a supervisor.
what is my end goal?
what do i think i know so well that i feel i need to pass it on to those who are watching me? am i succeeding with that?
when i am done here...will i be satisfied with the kind of leader i was? will i be remembered for the good things i have done? will i be looked up to and respected? will my time and effort be appreciated? will someone else continue where i left off? am i continuing the legacy those before me were hoping for?
“Leaders establish the vision for the future and set the strategy for getting there; they cause change. They motivate and inspire others to go in the right direction and they, along with everyone else, sacrifice to get there.” (John Kotter)*
who is your leader?
are you a leader?
i would like to think i am a leader. but who follows me?...and why.
i am a younglife leader, an older sister, and a supervisor.
what is my end goal?
what do i think i know so well that i feel i need to pass it on to those who are watching me? am i succeeding with that?
when i am done here...will i be satisfied with the kind of leader i was? will i be remembered for the good things i have done? will i be looked up to and respected? will my time and effort be appreciated? will someone else continue where i left off? am i continuing the legacy those before me were hoping for?
“Leaders establish the vision for the future and set the strategy for getting there; they cause change. They motivate and inspire others to go in the right direction and they, along with everyone else, sacrifice to get there.” (John Kotter)*
Sunday, December 7, 2008
in your eyes.
what am i in your eyes?
since i was little i loved looking in the mirror and posing. i think all little girls like seeing themselves dressed up and looking good. ok- so i still do that.
but really...i think we are so fascinated at looking at ourselves because we constantly wonder how we appear in the eyes of others. what do we want others to see when we look at us? what do we come off as?
i once got into one of those crazy conversations that starts off normal and ends up being about the most random of things. this one ended in talking about if blue is really "blue" to everyone. like maybe we all call the same things blue, but it is a different color in everyone's eyes. do i look the same to everyone? no...
my parents see me differently than my friends, who see me differently than my boyfriend, who sees me differently than my younglife girls, who see me differently than my bosses, who see me differently than my classmates, who see me differently than God...
it's not because i act like a different person in all those situations...i mean, to a certain extent...but it is because each of those people have a different lens through which they view me...a different set of standards they are judging me by...
so now...you tell me who i should be living the most for. God. yes...but here on Earth. whose opinion matters the most? which lens should i most work towards looking the best in? do any of them matter after God?
i just wonder what people think of me. am i up to par in their eyes? what are my weaknesses that people are just too afraid to tell me about? what am i doing great that no one ever commends me for? what are people saying that i am just not hearing? how do i view different people?
i like to think that i am trying to view people through the same lens that God uses. i like to think that i give everyone a fair shot at being themselves and finding love from me anyways. heck- i like to think that i judge just the same that God does...ha. right dilyn...
i hope that when i leave college. when i am done being a younglife leader. when i am totally independent of my parents. when my friends move away. i would like to think that they will remember me in the best way possible. i would like to think that i have done something right in every arena of my life.
but i think the greatest thing i could hope for, is that when i get to heaven God puts his hand on my shoulder and says "you have done well in accomplishing what is right in my eyes" (2 Kings 10:30)
since i was little i loved looking in the mirror and posing. i think all little girls like seeing themselves dressed up and looking good. ok- so i still do that.
but really...i think we are so fascinated at looking at ourselves because we constantly wonder how we appear in the eyes of others. what do we want others to see when we look at us? what do we come off as?
i once got into one of those crazy conversations that starts off normal and ends up being about the most random of things. this one ended in talking about if blue is really "blue" to everyone. like maybe we all call the same things blue, but it is a different color in everyone's eyes. do i look the same to everyone? no...
my parents see me differently than my friends, who see me differently than my boyfriend, who sees me differently than my younglife girls, who see me differently than my bosses, who see me differently than my classmates, who see me differently than God...
it's not because i act like a different person in all those situations...i mean, to a certain extent...but it is because each of those people have a different lens through which they view me...a different set of standards they are judging me by...
so now...you tell me who i should be living the most for. God. yes...but here on Earth. whose opinion matters the most? which lens should i most work towards looking the best in? do any of them matter after God?
i just wonder what people think of me. am i up to par in their eyes? what are my weaknesses that people are just too afraid to tell me about? what am i doing great that no one ever commends me for? what are people saying that i am just not hearing? how do i view different people?
i like to think that i am trying to view people through the same lens that God uses. i like to think that i give everyone a fair shot at being themselves and finding love from me anyways. heck- i like to think that i judge just the same that God does...ha. right dilyn...
i hope that when i leave college. when i am done being a younglife leader. when i am totally independent of my parents. when my friends move away. i would like to think that they will remember me in the best way possible. i would like to think that i have done something right in every arena of my life.
but i think the greatest thing i could hope for, is that when i get to heaven God puts his hand on my shoulder and says "you have done well in accomplishing what is right in my eyes" (2 Kings 10:30)
Thursday, December 4, 2008
after all...we're only human.
i forget really easily these days how human we all are.
it doesn't matter what position a person has. how old they are. what life experience they have or have no have...we are all human and at the end of the day, we are no better for what we have done if God is not a part of it.
i expect much of everyone else and ask nothing of myself.
i am lazy.
i have always been a little lazy, but that has magnified a tremendous amount since coming to college and getting away from the watchful eyes of my parents. not like i do anything bad. but my time is wasted and i make decisions that my parents would have guided me away from had i still been living at home...just doing too much, staying out late, blah blah blah.
i just find myself trying to talk away all my problems but the more i talk about them, the bigger of a deal they seem to become. instead of turning to God and talking to him about it...i talk to another human. there is my problem.
it is good to seek council...i am not at all opposed to that. that's biblical. but i don't need an ABUNDANCE of counselors and i have to remind myself that we all make mistakes. none of us know all the answers. and at the end of the day...i have God and that makes all the difference.
it doesn't matter what position a person has. how old they are. what life experience they have or have no have...we are all human and at the end of the day, we are no better for what we have done if God is not a part of it.
i expect much of everyone else and ask nothing of myself.
i am lazy.
i have always been a little lazy, but that has magnified a tremendous amount since coming to college and getting away from the watchful eyes of my parents. not like i do anything bad. but my time is wasted and i make decisions that my parents would have guided me away from had i still been living at home...just doing too much, staying out late, blah blah blah.
i just find myself trying to talk away all my problems but the more i talk about them, the bigger of a deal they seem to become. instead of turning to God and talking to him about it...i talk to another human. there is my problem.
it is good to seek council...i am not at all opposed to that. that's biblical. but i don't need an ABUNDANCE of counselors and i have to remind myself that we all make mistakes. none of us know all the answers. and at the end of the day...i have God and that makes all the difference.
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