speed of sound.

How long before I get in?
Before it starts, before I begin?

How long do I have to climb,
Up on the side of this mountain of mine?

All that noise, and all that sound,
All those places I got found.

*coldplay - speed of sound*






my prayer today is that i can take time to figure out what God is trying to say to me. i feel like i am getting lost in the shuffle and lost inside of myself and i need to be paying closer attention to where God is directing me and what he has been saying. i always listen, but lately i haven't been getting it...or rather, i have been too stubborn to admit that something is wrong.

i am getting worse and worse at hiding how i truly feel and i am struggling with how to deal with those things i am not really okay with. should i speak up or do i just have to change my own perspective on it? i don't like feeling unhappy...it is such a waste of beautiful day.

and i cannot wait another year.

it has been one year since i have played basketball.

it's just a small little ligament, but it has been the bane of my existence.

for one of my classes i have to summarize two random studies out of a sports journal and one that i found was about women overcoming ACL injuries and the emotional toll it takes. it says in the conclusion of the article that there are three themes that accompany rehab of this injury: "uncertainty about the future of participating in sports, not being sure of what your body can do anymore and the psychological effects that having a scar has on you and people's perceptions of you."

this time hurt and away from playing basketball has been so much harder than i would ever care to admit. sitting, riding in cars, crossing my legs, kneeling, even walking to class causes me pain now on a daily basis, but i never feel right in admitting that weakness. i'm not okay with the fact that i am just too scared to play again. i have still been happy, sure, basketball isn't all i live for. but for so long it was something i cared so greatly about...it's like losing someone close to you...not so drastic, but still.

i get frustrated because i never expected to be an all star. i patiently sat the bench and watched all through high school coming in and out from injury, but i just loved being a part of the team. coming into college i finally played purely for the love of it. playing inbetween classes and on weekday nights as study breaks, it was amazing. i am still working towards understanding why i was sidelined again. sometimes it feels like im not supposed to play anymore and i think that is what keeps me away...but really i am just too proud to be out there playing like a beginner.

i know if i come back i will have to come back slow and i can't do that. i think that's why i have preferred shooting alone in the comfort of an empty gym, because when my frustration at playing so bad gets the best of me, i don't want people to see that. i hate people being cautious with me and asking me if i'm ok, i hate people knowing i am hurt...i hate my scars not for the superficial reasons, but for the fact that they are a permanent reminder to other people that something isn't quite right and i just want to be normal.

it's not something i can explain, it's not something people can help me with. it is just a frustrating truth that i am faced to work through each day. i'm not good at it, some days i choose to push it aside and not think about it, some days it's all i can think about. God and i have had a lot of conversations about it though, it's good that we are still so honest with each other over the issue. i am just praying for another good chance, praying for the strength to face myself and put it back on the line, because i can't wait another year.

reset.

i just read this really great article. this was my favorite part...


"The tension concerning inept living is inside of everyone, but it's marked by differing levels of intensity and time. Sometimes life moves too quickly and I wonder how much I'm missing. Are the missed moments significant or insignificant? I wish to involve myself in the lives of others more. I wish to show others why I live like I do. Incidentally, I think thoughts like this induce the spirit of ineptness and not doing enough for a life of significance. And ineptness proceeds unworthiness. However, the amazing reality God reveals is grace, this unusual truth: actions will not merit justification. Ironically, justified lives become concerned with good actions, showing others unmerited goodness."


how true. how easy it is for us to start feeling sorry for ourselves and then try to reconcil those negative feelings with pouring into someone else before first realizing how worthy we truly are. <3

I HAVE A LOT OF PRIDE AND IT CAUSES ME PROBLEMS!!

there. i said it. i just want to put my flaws out there for all to see. being honest. coming clean...

tonight i got to speak at club again and this time i talked about the fact that Jesus has been where we are. he has felt what we are feeling. we talked about "me too" moments...when you are in the midst of something or you are feeling a certain way and you don't want answers, you don't want advice...all you want is for someone to grab your shoulders, look into your eyes and say..."me too. i have been there too."

growing up the majority of my fights with my parents were because i was too prideful. we would get into stupid fights because my parents would correct me or tell me to do things and i would get frustrated because i would have already been in the process of doing it or i would have just thought of it and i was mad that they didn't just let me figure it out on my own. they would just rip the carpet right out from under me, causing me to fall on my butt before i could do myself the favor of stepping off the rug in the first place...so annoying!

but really. i find myself getting mad when people offer advice. sometimes i just want to tell someone something and just have them say, "that sucks man, but i understand what you mean." and that would be it. no advice, no step by step plan of attack, no pitying glance. i hate feeling like i have a lot of problems, like i have a lot of things to work through. it is just therapeutic for me to vent my problem, get a simple statement and that be the end of it. the longer the conversation draws out, the bigger of a problem it will become in my mind.

i have always had it in the back of my mind to just relax. take it easy and not worry about things so much. this past summer being a beach bum really taught me how to do that. no hurries, no worries, just Jesus. i love that quote. in a fast paced world i just want to be chill. i like calming people down. i like to be calm. i feel like sometimes people take it as me being sad, or like i'm giving up, or like i don't give a rip...but i am just trying to promote peace for my own sanity.

one of my favorite authors, David Nasser, says this:
"Was the road passable before? Sure it was...but that's not the point."
pride, worries, rushing. these things are in my life, but i still make through each day. but that's not the point...just because something works doesn't mean there isn't a problem. it doesn't mean there isn't a better way.

i don't want to be complacent. i am striving for a better way.