dismantle : repair.

"So you must obey them and do everything they tell you. But do not do what they do, for they do not practice what they preach. They tie up heavy loads and put them on men's shoulders, but they themselves are not willing to lift a finger to move them."
Matthew 23:3-4

what?

ok. so the authority put before us. we must obey them but we cannot be like them? is that possible?

i have been reading these two verses all day now and trying to figure out how that should look in my life. how am i to show respect and obedience to the authorities placed before me, while still diligently following only God's orders? and even harder for me to imagine...how am i to be a part of this world and be involved in their issues, but not let those issues weigh heavily on my shoulders?

all i can decide from this right now. is that this will take extreme care and concentration on the task at hand. this is not a natural way to live - it will take effort. the other thing i need to learn to control in this is my sensitivity.

i cannot let an issue become a crisis. a weight on my shoulders.

how will i chose to react to other people's crises?
how do i extend a hand of grace while maintaining my own peace?

so close/so alive.

we accept grace in theory, but deny it in practice.

is the emphasis on what i do or on what God is doing?

reality bites back if it isn't respected.

putting all of our trust in God creates an environment that can do nothing but change us.

"Sooner or later we are confronted with the painful truth of our inadequacy and insufficiency...there begins a long winter of discontent that eventually flowers into gloom, pessimism and a subtle despair; subtle because it goes unrecognized, unnoticed and therefore unchallenged. it takes the form of boredom and drudgery. we are overcome by the ordinariness of life, by daily duties done over and over again...we start acting like everyone else. life takes on a joyless, empty quality."

...this is a flat denial of the gospel of grace.

worth the fight.

i have been thinking a lot lately about picking battles. about being too complacent vs. being over-bearing.

i have always been the kind of person who tries to avoid confrontation as much as possible. i am definitely getting better at it, but there is still room to improve. the thing is though- that my lack of confrontation is not necessarily due to the fact that i am scared or don't know what to say. in most cases it is just not worth it to me- i probably feel like there is a better way to handle the situation, but i haven't figured it out yet so i am going to wait to act until i feel like i have thoroughly exhausted other options.

i think there is a big difference between being complacent and quietly going about things. i am not the loudest person, so i won't win a yelling match. i am not the most knowledgeable person, so i won't try to out outsmart you. but i do believe i have gotten pretty good at patience and just being still and waiting. i care deeply and i desire the best in my relationships with people- i think i just come off with a "whatever" kind of attitude though.

i am not a debater, i am not a side taker. i just like to listen. to grow through conversation and seeing into people's lives. i believe that honesty does not always have to do with speaking aloud, i think it is rooted in how well you can listen too. honesty is measured in not only how much you tell, but in how free you feel. it is rooted in honor- in how much dignity you can uphold, in yourself and in those you are working with.

how can you be sincere if you have not taken time to listen? how can you be truthful if you do not understand the other side?

i am not just sitting around uninterested in all matters and trying to keep myself as distanced from confrontation as possible. i am listening, praying, formulating ideas and strategies. i want the best possible option. i want to be straightforward and sincere, but i also want to be free from guilt.

yeah, we are human. there is never perfection. sometimes you do have to lay it out on the line. but what is the cost? and how do you then go about rebuilding after the fall?

"Timothy, my son, I give you this instruction in keeping with the prophecies once made about you, so that by following them you may fight the good fight, holding on to faith and a good conscience. Some have rejected these and so have shipwrecked their faith."
1 Timothy 1:18-19

whistle while you work.

ugh. stinkin Adam.
ruining all these beautiful summer days for us by sinning.
when God said he would curse the land and make us work hard to live in it...he wasn't kidding. constant pressure to work hard, get ahead, be successful in all we do and MAKE MONEY!

it sucks. i would much rather be outside. i wish there was something else that made the world go round besides money, but it is what it is and if it's not one thing it's the other.

i think it's a challenge though. God cursed us, but he knew what he was doing. he could have picked any way for us to be worse off, but he chose work. something that can so easily become an idol now, a family killer and a stress ball. he knew how easy it would be to become entangled in the rat race. and so he made it to be, because he also gave us a way out.

i hate work. but i am up for the challenge...i think...

nintendo sixty fouuuuuuuuuuuur.

have you ever been so so so excited about something?
lately i have just been getting excited about little things for no reason.
like something will happen and i will get this crazy feeling of excitement...i will just get the sudden urge to smile/scream/jump up and down.

it could be little realizations i make. little things i see people do. feeling the sun on me. imagining my future. hearing good music.

you just get that little pumped up feeling and you are ready to rock and roll.

a lack of color.

as much as i look forward to summer and the joy and warm feelings it brings. i have come to the conclusion that it is a much more painful time of year when you are stuck inside working all day and cannot partake in the glorious activities that await you out in the fresh air.

instead the only joys i feel are those of cold boring air conditioning and allergies.

greip as i may...i am stuck indoors during this perfect time so that i may be able to pay for and enjoy the cold, hard winter months full of schooling. why does the world seem so against me?...ok...just kidding. i am being over dramatic.

how am i to translate the warmth of the outside world into my heart? so that it may be closer to me as i sit inside. how can i train myself to think beyond the physical pleasures the sun brings and harness the energy through my windows? is there a way to bring summer to the inside world full of poor souls trying to make a living?

in the Bible, the sun is a sign of the end or of the beginning. when important battles were being fought or decisions made - they were made before sunset. when God wanted to kill someone for doing evil - it was done before the sun rose. we are reminded not to let the sun set on our anger or to worship the sun as a false idol. the sun is given power over us - apportioned by God. he placed it in the heavens as a marker, a light and a source of power and energy. that's cool.

i don't really know a lot about language - but i have always wondered at the irony behind 'sun' and 'son'. the sun is something we long for here in Michigan especially. it can change our mood in a snap. it can inspire us to go for a run, walk with a friend, take a vacation, or just be a little bit nicer in our relationships.

calvahomer: "how much more", then ought we to be inspired by the real Son. as much as the sun can effect my day, so should having the Son in it change me too. as much as i want to soak up the sun and get tan...so should i want to soak up the Son and grow in wisdom and in stature...




"The city does not need the sun or the moon to shine on it, for the glory of God gives it light, and the Lamb is its lamp."
Revelation 21:23

lord only knows.

i love how i always come to a conclusion one way or another that eventually all the chips will fall into place and i will finally be at the perfect place in life to live to my full potential at all times. who am i kidding.

in the process of waiting for this moment i am slacking off and using it as my excuse of why i can't just push through in the life i am living right now. instead of taking full advantage of the situations i am in, i choose to dismiss them as a mere accident. i say - "this isn't normal, this won't be what my life will look like for long. this is just a chance situation that i need to wait out." - and so i continue through my days imagining that everything happening outside of my plan should be dismissed as circumstantial and my resulting behavior and reactions should not be taken into account as usual...

however, how i react and what i choose to do in these situations is very much a signal of my internal character and the things i am wrestling with at the time. i can no longer try and pretend that i am a victim of my circumstances, but i need to grab a hold of my life and procure greatness and viability from each day, planned or unplanned.

i can no longer make excuses for why i am sitting around waiting for my life to fall together. i need to assume responsibility for each day and pray that i can be okay with the idea that things will go without being planned, but the day can still be great and my attitude should still be positive and pure.

"But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power can rest in me." - 2 Corinthians 12:9*