she steals my money, when i'm in need.

there are days when the purpose of life gets obscured somewhere inbetween working, studying, talking, doing chores, sleeping, having fun...

there are moments when you finally believe you have everything under control and at those exact moments are when something happens to remind you that you do not. that the world and the circumstances you find yourself in are bigger than you remembered. that there is more to do than you ever thought.

there are things that creep and crawl their way into my life. that bog me down when i am just hitting my stride. but then, i wait to much. i wait for things to clear up. i wait for the next hole in my schedule. i wait for time, but the truth is, time is flying away a lot quicker than it is showing up.

so how do you change your rhythm and your focus mid-run? when can you find time to make a change when there is non to be found?

in romans 12:2 it is written that we should be transformed by the renewing of our minds.

our transformation will not come from changing the outward things that we do. the people we are around. the job we have. it comes from the inside out. we are changed by the way we think, by the way we problem solve. it doesn't count if you think to yourself how much you wish you life was different, that isn't the renewing of your mind. it doesn't count if you are looking at how someone else lives their lives and want yours to look like it. it means that we must look at the situations that we are already in and change the way we are looking.

to do this i know i must be filling my mind with scripture. the more of god's promises i am clinging to, the easier it is for me to transform any kind of situation by recalling what i have read. the best part about changing your life being mental, is that no one can take it. it is yours alone to guard, to keep, to change.

a new kind of saga.

so this past weekend i finnnnally finished the Twilight saga. and when i say saga i mean literally, seeing as it took me over a year to finish all four books. i can't say i hated them unfortunately - but they obviously weren't consuming my full undivided attention as say **Harry Potter** would :)

but now i have decided to take on a new kind of saga. one that will be long, but full of fun, adventure and hopefully life giving advice. i obtained the Chronicles of Narnia all in one book from Lamia and the complete works of C.S. Lewis (not including the chronicles) all in one book from my sister today! so i am going to start with the Chronicles (again) and read one book from each alternating! i am pumped and determined to allow leisure reading to stay a part of my everyday life no matter how busy i get!

pushing the senses.

sometimes i feel like a failure. not in a literal sense. in the sense of things that no one can see but me. i might look great and successful on the outside, but inside i am fighting to tell myself that i am on the right track.

it becomes specifically clear in relationships. looking over the last few years of my life and the people i have been in contact with. i know i have failed a number of relationships that i could have invested more into. i know that i shied away from opportunity and instead convinced myself that it was their fault and not mine as i stayed holed up in my room, with my "busy" life.

what do you do when you feel like that? how do you reconcile? do you you? or do you just learn better for the next time? i am a firm believer in learning from past mistakes and not beating myself up over them. so believe me - that is not my intention now. but really...how do you convince yourself that you can leave what happened behind?

sometimes you make decisions at a time in life based on what you think will result from your choice. what happens when the reaction backfires? and instead of people realizing you have their best interest at heart. that you love them. what if they feel like you hate them? like you could care less? like you are selfish? how do you fix that.