writing to reach you*

age old trade.

2012-01-08T16:31:00.000-06:00

eric came up for the day and we got to hang out for 24 hours! always a welcomed treat since we have been living a little over an hour apart since this summer. we went out to a little restaurant in downtown GR called Cottage Bar for some really good burgers, hit the mall for some Christmas returns and met up with my roommate Shan and her fiance to watch the Lion's football game (sadly, they lost).

my home church, Riverview showed this video today during the service recapping some pretty powerful moments that happened in our world over the last year. what do you think about it? i honestly didn't even know much if anything about some of it! i should probably get on that in this here new year.

now i am just getting ready to start my new job tomorrow! wahoo! wish me luck!

mrs. peacock, with the purse, in the doorway.

2012-01-07T11:33:00.001-06:00

little did my friend Kelly realize when coming over to hang out, she would be enlisted to take my outfit pictures. so in order to add her own artistic flair she requested to include my roommates peacock feather display as a prop. i told her outfit pictures don't require props, but she insisted - and who am i to say no? :)

boots - Zigi Soho

jeans and tunic - Forever 21

cardi - UO

bag - Fossil

these are my favorite pair of boots that i have worn thin for the past 3 years - the toes are peeling, they no longer keep out water and they sag down my ankles...but you know what? i LOVE them! i just can't part with them. do you have anything you really need to replace, but just can't??

kickin it.

2012-01-04T18:29:00.000-06:00

so this is the start to a new year. and a new resolution to really, actually, for real use this blog.
for almost 2 years now i have had dreams of using this blog and the internet in general to reach more people and leave a mark in the cyberspace that has Dilyn written all over it. and since it is a new year, it is as good an excuse as any to start things off right...

this month will be interesting since i am putting myself on a spending freeze.
so, in honor of this month and the kicking off of the blog i am going to pull a mini-Kendi and do a remix of sorts. for the next 3 weeks i am going to try not to spend *any money. so i will try to post frequently about the things i wear/make and do instead. wish me luck.

Day 1.
first things first. i just uploaded some clothes onto my ebay so go check it out!

instead of spending money - i am going to try to MAKE some! so buy my clothes :)

sweet disposition.

2011-12-16T08:17:00.000-06:00

i would say that my greatest pet peeves are excuses.

no buts... no if only... no i'll tries...

if you really want to do something, if you really care about someone. you will.

and if you don't really want to, then you will find an excuse.

no, you won't always be successful, but i think we can all recognize the different between genuine attempts and genuine whiners.

and yet i find myself to be one of the worst offenders.

isn't it ironic that we would be most bothered by the things that are most true of ourselves?

good one God.

the more i try, the less ground i gain and the more i begin to see those things that limit, that tangle and ensnare what i thought to be sure footing. the harder i work and look. the longer to do lists i make (and the more i check off) the longer it grows. the shorter my fuse...the easier it is to sit in bed, to wallow in pity. and to cultivate a doubting heart. and so the cycle begins again.

and you know what i've learned? there will never be an end to that cycle in this life.

everyday is hard. everyday we will feel as though we are back to square one. no matter how far we get, we are humbled by the triviality and the frailty of it all. and so there is no point to make excuses. because win or lose we are no better off.

man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart. the Lord judges the heart. it is by grace i have been set free. and he promises to carry on to completion the good work he started in me when he saved me from myself, called me home and told me he would never leave or forsake me.

no excuses, play like a champion. for the war is already won.

giving thanks.

2011-11-21T22:04:00.001-06:00

of course, being the week of thanksgiving we are all reminded of what we have to be thankful for.
here is what i am thanking God for right now:

1. my family: it's true what they say (i don't know who "they" are) - that as you grow older you realize how important family really is. through college it was easy to be swept away with my own agenda, but i am certainly thankful for their steadfast love through the ups and downs of my life!

(this is from a few years ago when my little bro graduates from HS - i'm the oldest! we all look quite a bit different now! time flies!)

2. my boyfriend: through thick and thin, bad moods and worse moods, he still loves me! gotta give that some credit! it has been over 3 years and he can still make me laugh, although he'll say that it is getting harder :)

(this is from this past fall in Manistee, MI on Lake Michigan where we stayed with his family for a weekend!)

3. best friends: (especially tons of friends getting engaged!) where would we be without our girls?

(jess on the right, then me and shan (newly engaged!) are all roommates in GR!)

(me and my best friend Kelly on her birthday this year! couldn't ask for a better friend!)

(me and Laur ran our first triathlon together this fall! what an experience!)

(allison, selma, me and taylor took a trip up to my favorite place this summer, Sleeping Bear Dunes in northern michigan. beautiful views i tell ya!)

i know these are the lame, cheesy already been done things to be thankful for. but seriously where would i be without them??

what are some things you are thankful for this year? i'll do a less serious list next! :)

Recent Pins

2011-11-21T21:35:00.001-06:00

These are some of my favorite pins lately. If you don't have a Pinterest account you should seriously consider it. However, prepare to become addicted and resolve that it will always take precedence over anything else you may need to do!

1. This skirt is amazing! I wish i had a sewing machine so I could make it myself!

2. This is exactly what I need to hear these days.

3. This is so easy! We have some ugly pillows that need covering!

4. I just really want some wedges! I think they look like a good compromise between heels and flats.

5. So cute and simple! Who doesn't love owls?

don't let the sun catch you crying.

2011-11-03T08:36:00.000-05:00

sometimes we just don't get it.

we fight and try and try thinking that it is OUR fault, OUR doing. as if we are able to change everything if we just believe more. we are constantly believing that other people are better at it than us, and so we strive to THEIR seeming "level" instead of knowing we are judged by only One whose evaluation truly matters.

"...For God has NO favorites."

this was the big giant punctuation mark to my reading of Colossians 3 this morning. after being instructed on how to live the good life. to put to death our earthly desires, to get rid of anger and to think about the things of Heaven. and then a firm reminder.

do we really believe that we are on an equal playing field? that God sees but two kinds of people, those who are lost and those who are found?

your song.

2011-09-22T11:09:00.000-05:00

the thing on my mind lately. busyness.

since moving to GR about 3 weeks ago now and still being unemployed the fact that i have a lot more time on my hands these days is an understatement. besides the 7 credits i am taking at GVSU, i have zero obligations. however, i determined that i would not sit around driving myself crazy about being a bum this time. no, i would drink it in.

though - where is the line between rest and sloth? when is it okay to sit around a little extra and when should you be "productively resting"? to me, that means this:

"wow, i have this extra time in my life right now that i will probably NEVER have again. so instead of (i almost just wrote sleeping around, but realized that came out wrong) sleeping extra and doing less, i can "rest" by having all this extra time to pour into my passions that i would otherwise not have all this time for!"

there. now that's my kind of resting.

yes, of course some days i may just want to take a nap or sleep in an hour more. i'm not hurting anyone right!? but in the meantime i should be using that time for meaningful hours in the word. which i have not been doing. how redic for me to be like "oh, well once i have a better schedule i can pencil in some quiet time." how does that make any sense when i have more free time now than ever!!

always excuses.

so today, i have been sipping some nice warm cinnamon apple latte and finally typing on my blog! dreaming of things i want to do and catching up on some reading. next i think i am going to check out the antique shops around here and find some inspiration for our new living quarters and then i am going to sit with the Lord and have a quiet chat. now that's my perfect idea of a "restful day".

what's yours??

whom then shall i fear?

2011-08-08T11:25:00.000-05:00

it's been a while friends.
the 30x30 was a bit unsuccessful, due to lack of internet/tripod/motivation.
that's ok though! i still want to post outfits, just on my time...so that's good.

also, there have been some changes taking place in my life lately.
this past week was one big ball of stress. mostly over exaggerated, but still...
i put my notice in for all 3 jobs, because i finally made the decision to move to Grand Rapids!
it has been a long year of turmoil and i keep being led back to this move. so finally i took it!
and to be honest, i'm not that excited about it yet.
a new place, being really close to my best friend all year long! living with an amazing friend.
starting fresh and really learning about myself in a new location. these things i am glad for.
but i think the week of frustration and quitting has clouded my chance to be thankful.

in these past 23 years of life, i have begun to listen to myself and know myself.
i have realized how vitally important that is. and exactly how much i didn't know!
i have become more in tune with the desires of my heart and the call of my spirit.
after going off on my own for a summer in college, i have always known that going is the surest and straightest way to cause me to pause and reconsider my God and where my heart is.
and so i am sure that this change will be another chance for me to pause...
listening only to God as i enter a world of unknown. not being clouded by comfort.

that is what i keep telling myself.
i am not doing the wrong thing by any means. and so if i feel this unsure, this uncomfortable.
then i must be doing something right. because we are not called to a life of comfort. is there even such a thing? we are called to move boldly, always pushing a bit further than we believe we are capable of, because it is in that free fall that we allow ourselves to be caught by the Lord.

praise God for opportunities of change. and for his belief in our imperfect hearts!

child of weakness.

2011-06-20T11:12:00.000-05:00

yesterday at church the opening lines to "Jesus Paid It All" during worship jumped out at my like they never had before.

"I hear the Savior say
Thy strength indeed is small
Child of weakness watch and pray
Find in me thine all in all"

speaking directly to my heart i heard the Lord reminding me {gently} that i am a child of weakness. look to me. with tears welling in my eyes, i knew for sure that God was there. with his arms wrapped around my shoulder.

i have been excusing my lack of forward motion lately without just cause. i have been expecting a turning point to come due to an influx of money, a great job or getting engaged. Jesus is standing beside me pulling me in and trying to take a step forward with me, but i have been too busy digging my feet into the ground to allow him to move me into greater things. and i am beginning to realize that it isn't going to be a moment in time that changes it all, but rather a shift of thinking.

i am beginning to ask myself, why not me? why can't i do that?
the Lord commands each and EVERY ONE of us, to:

"Obey me, and I will be your God and you will be my people. Walk in obedience to all I command you, that it may go well with you."
(Jeremiah 7:23)

"The goal of this command is love, which comes from a pure heart and a good conscience and a sincere faith." (1 Timothy 1:5)

"Look at the nations and watch— and be utterly amazed. For I am going to do something in your days that you would not believe, even if you were told." (Habakkuk 1:5)

it happened in a blink.

2011-06-16T23:04:00.001-05:00

i finally got eric to take my pictures today so they actually look semi-helpful/not a middle school presentation. i am too impatient to wait for him to edit them though, so here is outfit four! in sad news one of my main pairs of grey dress pants got foundation poured all down them when i dropped my container the other day and i can't get the stains out after 3 washes. so byebye and hopefully i'll find a replacement this weekend or i may be wearing very similar outfits to work from here on out lol...

(dress [yes a dress] - Macy's [brand to come])

(shoes - Payless)

(necklace - New York & Co)

(rings - Mad Eagle Boutique)

true love.

2011-06-16T09:30:00.001-05:00

i just had to share this truly inspiring story about true love.
this is my cousin Katie's best friend Kristen.

http://vimeo.com/25146853

three little birds.

2011-06-15T21:47:00.000-05:00

today was already a bit of a rut. i have to dress professionally four days a week for work, so i have included half dress bottoms and tried to pick shirts that could be dressed up or worn with jeans. unfortunately my professional wardrobe is still severely lacking.

this morning i had my planned outfit on and began to doubt myself, mainly because i'm not sure how professional my skirt choice looked. i'll have to save it for a weekend. so pants it is! i was excited to realize the possibility of wearing three skirts in a row though, that is not something that has happened before.

(shoes - Payless)
(pants - Kohls)
(tank - Old Navy)
(sweater - Loft)
(belt - Old Navy)

almost there!

2011-06-15T21:46:00.000-05:00

day two. so far so good. i finally invested in a pencil skirt for work when i got my new job a month ago and it's safe to say that i feel significantly older and more professional already. definitely a good investment.

(skirt - Kohls)
(top - Old Navy)
(shoes - Meijer)
(belt - Thrifted)

hey mama.

2011-06-15T21:42:00.000-05:00

so. this may be a little later than when i said i would post. and actually i will post four outfits today. but i DID wear them on all separate days...i am just not used to this whole taking pictures of myself thing and editing and posting so i will try to get better/get better pictures! welcome to an amateur.

the first thing i noticed about this challenge is that for the first time in, well forever, i have started planning out when i'm going to wear the next day the night before. it's crazy how much time and panic that saves you in the morning. and my room will "probably" get cleaner (that is once i actually clean it in the first place) because i won't be strewing unworn clothes all over the place every day and then not picking them up.

i also want to try to take pictures of all the items i chose for the remix, but that could take me 5 years, so no promises. also it's funny how nervous i have been to commit to this considering 30 items of clothing is a good 75% of my wardrobe anyways, so it has been surprisingly more easy than i thought. does wearing the same outfit two weeks apart count?

(skirt is 9+years old so i have no idea where it's from)
(top Old Navy)
(shoes Meijer!)

30 for 30.

2011-06-13T11:16:00.000-05:00

diverging from traditional posts for a little bit and mostly to force myself out of my comfort zone i have decided to challenge myself in the fashion world. to begin concentrating on fun and ingenuity instead of thinking about how i look and being self-conscious i am taking a challenge. namely, the 30 for 30 challenge.

i have had a "secret" love for fashion blogs for a while now and peruse them almost daily to be inspired and creative as getting dressed is a daily activity. so starting today i will try to post pictures of all the outfits i am trying to mix up for the next 30 (or so) days! i'm hoping to include some commentary on what i am learning about myself and my sense of worth along the way. wish me luck!

the first post will come later today!

why won't you release me?

2011-04-25T20:50:00.000-05:00

the last few days have been nothing but cold, dreary and rainy. not at all showing hopes of spring. and that is has in turn been affecting my mood of course...

these days i can't figure out if i am rushing into decisions or just so overwhelmed with information that i can't think straight anymore. my head is a merry-go-round of thoughts and i just keep circling around and around. driving myself crazy! and how many times have a submitted to prayer? embarrassingly too few..

it has been almost 1 year exactly since i finished my career at Michigan State and i am still staring down the rest of my life with little visual as to what it will hold. i am getting so restless, but i am also to the point where i am scared stiff to make a decision at all - i am too used to searching and researching ideas for the perfect career.

as many of my YL girls are making final commitments as to where they are going to college next year, i have spent a lot of time rethinking my own education. and i realized i wasn't really sure why i went to MSU in the first place - i just felt like i needed to, like it was just the only right thing to do. and so now i know that i need to prayerfully consider my options and know why i am making a choice to pursue throwing down another couple thou...ugh.

in my spinning i think i am getting a little closer to narrowing my search. but i just need to open my Bible and pray instead of opening another search engine. not to find out what career God wants me to have, but to find out how much he loves me and how certain he is that my life will in fact be used for his glory no matter how much i try to screw it up!

prayers for mercy from torturing myself this week!

uncertainty.

2011-03-26T19:23:00.000-05:00

there is no question this has been the longest and most frustrating year of my life. one year ago i was finishing up classes and getting ready to graduate college and have a "real life" - one year later. i sure hope this isn't a real life! i mean, yeah this is real, but it doesn't feel like what life should be.

it just feels like decisions keep coming up to be made, but whether i make one or not, 5 more choices come up too. it never ends. i never feel like i am totally making the right choice.

but then i look back on what i have already said and i see the word "feel" a lot.
i can't live based on feelings, because those change 30 times a day. i have to live off of the truths that i know. i know God is faithful, i know i have family and friends who care for me and my life and i know i am doing the best i can with where i am right now.

even though i have been praying the same things over and over for a while now, i guess it is a good lesson on persistence and faithfulness.

prayer.

2011-02-13T13:35:00.000-06:00

"The beginning of anxiety is the end of faith, and the beginning of true faith is the end of anxiety." -George E. Mueller

slow your breath down.

2011-02-09T12:27:00.000-06:00

ok - i just have to plug this book again because it is AWESOME! seriously.

Doctrine by Mark Driscoll and Gerry Breshears (Re:Lit Book). read it!

i read this part about a week ago and i just can't stop going back and re-reading it, such a great picture of what our lives as Christians should look like and how the every part of our faith ties together:

"We [the authors] passionately want this for you. We want the Bible in your hand, the Holy Spirit in your heart, other Christians in your life, and Jesus on your horizon, so that you can live a truly biblical life to God's glory, your joy, and other's good."

AMEN!

oh no no, i don't care what your name is.

2011-02-01T15:26:00.000-06:00

AHHH! I HATE THIS SONG!
rhianna's "what's my name song" keeps coming on everywhere i go! if you don't already know what the heck your name is, then you should go figure that out before you write more crappy songs or dye your hair.

ok. that was not how i was planning on starting this post, but it just coincided perfectly with the start of the song and an audible "NOOOO!" from me. luckily no one heard...well, hopefully rhianna did.

***

restart:
i recently got this book called "Doctrine" by Mark Driscoll and Gerry Breshears. pretty intriguing right? sounds like a thrilling read. but i figured now is as good a time as any to really be sure what i should and shouldn't believe as a proclaimed Christian. so far - some things are really making sense! this is a good sign.

the first chapter (all i have read so far) was defining the Christian view of the Trinity. this is a super confusing topic since it is a really complicated three people in one, all the same but all different. it turns out that God really thought that one through (go figure). for the first time the Trinity was explained to me in terms of what the ideal community should look like. SO COOL! one of the examples used talked about the church body, or even just like a small group you are part of. where everyone is deeply connected through their faith, but yet they still retain their individual and defining characteristics. awesome.

what really drove this point home for me, was reading 1 Corinthians 2 right after, Paul's message of wisdom. verse 12 says this:

"What we have received is not the spirit of the world, but the Spirit who is from God, so that we may understand what God has freely given us."

this verse explains the relationship between the 3 and how this is essential for us as believers because it is the only way we can understand God's thoughts. and when i say understand, please take it with a grain of salt. we will never fully understand.

still praying for greater knowledge and further obedience!

forgiven.

2011-01-27T13:15:00.000-06:00

reading an article by David Platt, self-proclaimed "youngest megachurch pastor in history", the flow of points summed up to me a huge truth i must come to face:

1. Jesus focused on the few people who believed him when he said radical things.
2. We must truly believe what Jesus is preaching.
3. We are afraid of what this means for our lives.
4. We are molding Jesus - and he is beginning to look like us.
5. Am I going to obey what the Bible says?

while i know that i believe God, Jesus and the Spirit are who they say they are - i am coming to a greater realization that my faith is still in the baby stages, or better yet, it has taken a few steps back in the past few years. since college, i have had to develop my own idea of faith and decipher for myself what the Bible means through conversations with other Christians, church sermons and other web resources and bible studies (and of course reading the Bible).

yet as i set out on my own, and especially struggle with God's will for my life during this first year post-college, it has become more important now than ever for me to dive deeper into his word and open myself up to the possibilities of my life. i am trying not to expect anything, not to cage myself in with comfort and to allow myself to explore things from God's eyes and not my own.

i think #4 really hits home with me, because i realize how much i am trying to make God fit into my life. while i think that i am being open to anything, i know i am really just giving him one area to work on while i handle the rest. my prayers today and this week are for a greater obedience to the will of God.

the sign of the times.

2010-12-29T22:08:00.001-06:00

one of the questions that keeps popping into my head lately is this:

do i really believe Heaven is better?

and as if God just wanted to reaffirm this, one of the feature stories on Relevant Magazine's website this week is about exactly that.

while i profess my belief in God and pray fervently for people to come to faith. do i really believe that being saved and securing a spot in Heaven is as big a deal as it really is? or am i just content to believe that i am safe in faith and can now just enjoy living in sin and messing up during the remainder of my time on earth?

i know that i do not fully understand how much better Heaven is going to be. i know that i also don't spend any time figuring that out and really understanding what it is i am signing up for. if i believe so desperately in God and know so well all the blessings and encouragements he provides - why do i stop short by not really caring about when i actually get to meet him face to face. shouldn't that be all consuming? shouldn't that freak me out and make me crazy?

the name of the article is "Everyone Wants to Go to Heaven, Just Not Yet".
why would i ever be ok with the fact that that describes me?

don't wait.

2010-12-14T15:31:00.000-06:00

...to lay your armor down.

i am normally not a very big advocate of Dashboard Confessional and all other whiny teen music. but when this song (the only one i have by then i swear!) popped up on my iTunes. listening to the words from a godly perspective hit me in a different way.

"the lights will flash and fade away, the days will pass you by."

these days with the colder weather and the inches of snowfall - it is easier to stay inside, lay in bed longer. do less. let days slip by without a second thought of what i could have been doing to make them more worthwhile.

these days - i have been trying to get back into some kind of a spiritual routine. i have been craving the desire to fall asleep excited to wake up if only for the fact that i can read more about what God has to say to me. slowly but surely my thirst for God is growing again - my prayer life has been growing deeper.

these days i am thankful for God and his forgiveness. for his desire to help even us ugly sinners. to recreate a relationship and find new ways to speak to me when i grew numb to the old ways.

these days even though my location hasn't changed. even though i am no closer to understanding what the heck i am supposed to be doing in the future. i am however growing more satisfied in my place with God. knowing that no matter how much i accomplish in the worlds eyes, my work for the Lord is where my satisfaction and livelihood lie.

never say never.

2010-11-21T14:17:00.000-06:00

there are certain moments in life when the severity of life hits you.

whether death, pain, love, memories, change. no matter the emotion attached. the severity and the reality of the moments we experience are something that can be hard to comprehend. the fact that you can't really appreciate that things are changing until it is all a distant memory is hard, because by the time you realize enough to appreciate, it is already fleeting.

this brings about how much of what we do in this world can be like grasping at air. so long as we are living and doing with ourselves in mind, there is no permanence. but as soon as we forget ourselves and work for the future and for above - fulfillment and a deep appreciation for the moment will sink in.

how can we continue to forget ourselves? this is something that must happen every second of everyday and it can be very overwhelming. but it is good to be reminded of our humanness. of what it means to be human - unending thoughts, actions and consequences. will these be directed at selfish gain, or everlasting joy?

relative is relative.

2010-11-04T15:48:00.000-05:00

Francis Chan says this:
"If I tell my daughter to go clean her room, I expect her to go do that. If she comes back and says "Hey dad, you told me to clean my room." - if she goes and gets her friends together and they talk about all the different ways they could clean their rooms and what their rooms would look like if they did - if she came back and told me she learned how to say "clean your room" in Greek. This wouldn't fly - the only thing acceptable is if she listens and goes, immediately cleaning her room."

where did I get off hearing and studying all God has to say, and yet feel as though that is enough.
step it up Dilyn.

praying that my thoughts are filled with tangible ways to do what God as asking me to.

windowsill.

2010-09-22T23:18:00.000-05:00

my days lately seem to be filled with a lot of driving.
i was thinking this today as i drove from east lansing to downtown lansing (25min) for class, to mason (25min) for a job shadow to williamston (another 25min) for work and back to east lansing at the end of the day. seriously. a lot of gas by the end of the week.

it's so nice having a slightly different schedule each week. but i have really begun to look forward to the commute inbetween. i am excited to get more familiar with lansing between working at Sparrow and going to class at LCC and rediscovering the "charm" of williamston at the retaurant 4 days a week.

my life has begun to be a stop motion picture that i view out my front windshield. as i think through my day early in the morning til the dark drives home looking back. its funny to ponder life - imagine where it's going so fast and what will be made of it in the end.

i've been looking for a fresh outlook on things - but not praying for one nearly enough.

dark is the way, light is a place.

2010-09-07T21:26:00.000-05:00

i just read an interview that relevantmag.com conducted with Stephen Christian, the lead singer of Anberlin. the interview was asking him about the new album they just put out today! the title is that of this blog post. and while i have yet to listen to it, i can already vouch for it based on the simple, humble and powerful answers that Stephen gave to their questions.

...plus since meeting him and talking to him on his tour bus back in 2006 i have a special fondness for him :)

this title of their album is a line from a poem and when asked about why it spoke to him Stephen answered:
"It was kind of the brutal fact that life isn’t always perfect. We’re going to lose loved ones, we’re going to fail at our greatest attempts sometimes. But at the end of the day, there’s hope."

...we are going to fail at our greatest attempts sometimes. lately i have been feeling the pressure with applying to PT schools again. i keep getting to the brink of breakdown and have a few times, questioning everything and panicing at the thought that i may not get in anywhere...and then what. what will i do with that sense of failure? but to know that at the end of the day, there is still hope...i haven't gotten rejected from anywhere TODAY and that's all i can think about.

another, deeper question Stephen answered was this: What is the main lesson you have learned over the last 8 years?
"That all is never lost. Tomorrow is going to be much better....As long as you are motivated, and as long as you just keep going and keep pursuing whatever it is that makes you dream, whatever inspires you, as long as you keep going after that, all will work out."

it is good to find others in the pursuit of hope when you yourself are trying so hard to find it.
my prayers are with my friends who are also struggling to find the light at the end of each of their days.
it's there! we just have to look hard and know we're in this together!

all at once.

2010-08-30T10:15:00.000-05:00

"i wanna take the preconceived out from underneath your feet."
-jack.

one of the hardest things for me to figure out thus far in life, is how to look back and ahead at the same time. how do you learn from the past and change those things which have become routine without moving or completely changing your life? how can i learn to shake all notions of what my life should look like and begin to be more aware of what it is and what God is working out in it daily. i hope that i can approach this year with a more fresh outlook than ever before.

my one.

2010-08-02T19:31:00.000-05:00

what is it that you want?
how do you figure it out?
is there ever time to know for sure?
when can you decide to do things for yourself and shed all remnants of "responsibility"?
how do you reignite your soul?
how do you not only find your passions but make then tangible?
are those things that make you happy really just fleeting, or can you cling to them a little bit?

the more days that pass, the more questions form. we reminisce about the childhood days when we were oblivious of anything except climbing trees, making forts and staying up a little bit later. "the good old days" - as if all our life is sucked away as soon we really begin to realize that school is actually not fun at all.

how do you convince yourself that life really doesn't have "hard days", it is just in fact the very nature of life? to keep a joyful spirit without thinking ominously of what could possible happen soon to ruin all your good mood. why does so much thought have to go into convincing ourselves and others that we are "okay" and it isn't the end of the world? it's like we know those things, but we need a constant stream of reminders.

more and more i see commercials for depression, anxiety...and even an "anti-chaffing" rub. come on people, we all know there is an easy solution for your inner thighs whether you care to admit it or not...
it is as if the state of being human is just a disease waiting to be cured...

but wait. what's that? is this in fact the very definition of being a human? a disease waiting to be cured? with the Lord Jesus as our antibiotic? oh great...another metaphor of life and of Christ. thanks for the obvious...

what is it about our nature that requires constant repetition of truth? is our brain just one big loop that cycles through over and over again? how vain an existence just knowing that we are going to ask the same questions on a daily basis. how scary.

and so - in such a loop. what are we to do in the meantime that is life? i want to realize my capabilities and stop at nothing until i reach them. i want to use my days to question myself and push myself a little further. there are moments of frustration when you realize the limitations that the world can put on us...namely money. and it is time for me to get a little more creative in figuring out how to keep myself geared up for life and ready to take any opportunity that comes my way. i want to step into the Jordan and see what parts in front of me, not just stand on the banks and pray fervently for a miracle.

tomorrow i'm sure i will ask myself again what this looks like. and i feel like i won't know until hindsight kicks in, but at least i will be able to look back and see...that i did it.

until we meet again.

2010-07-25T21:18:00.001-05:00

Flynn Adam "Adios" from Gotee Records on Vimeo.

eric has been getting really into christian rap again lately and i stole his ipod the past few days while i am busy packing up and cleaning and all i've been listening to is his 50-some song rap playlist. and i love it! i've just been dancing around and singing and loving it!

i was seriously dancing to this song:

4321 by Manafest

More Manafest music on iLike

in serious news. i am getting ready to end the chapter of college in my life. i graduated in may, but i am officially living alone for the week now with almost nothing in this whole, huge house. it's so weird. i've lived here for 2 years! it will be so weird not living here anymore and driving by and seeing other people here. this is the first house that i've lived in that i won't ever come back to. officially old and nostalgic! ugh...how weird am i.

the other part that is weird is saying goodbye to a lot of dear friends. best friends moving across the freaking country! arizona, missouri, nashville, atlanta and virginia! so crazy! it is exciting to have such brave friends and so many cool places to visit! but it is easy to get selfish wishing i had something sweet to do, especially since i could technically be living in las vegas right now for PT school...then i would be right there with all my girls, moving away and starting a new adventure. instead i am stuck in east lansing not knowing what the crap is going to happen.

but i am excited to reclaim my soul and give it back to the Lord. i have become to obsessed with comparing myself and my life this past year to other peoples. and that is just not me. i am adventurous, laid back, funny and up for whatever - and i am ready to find that person again. and go out on some limbs for the Lord being completely confident in the person he has created me to be.

i swear this time i mean it.

2010-07-20T09:18:00.000-05:00

well hello.

i have like 11 posts in progress over the last month and a half that i just never got around to finishing. it has been a busy month of summer! lots of lake visits which has been GREAT because last summer was such a cold and rainy bummer.

it has been a month of continued searching and seeking of answers. where to live, where to work, where to apply for grad school. what to do in my spare time? should i be enjoying this summer of time off and good weather even though i have little money to spare, or should i spend each day searching fervently for what to do in this sabbatical of a year that awaits me.

i believe i have stayed excited amidst the confusion and for that i am thankful. i have learned to enjoy this time a little more, instead of constantly feeling like i am wasting time and should be busy. i shouldn't be. i have instead had some reality checks about what really matters.

the best friends i have seen little of in the last few years are back around and i have realized how i have taken them for granted. i miss them dearly and their effect on my life. i am trying now to use my time for them, to reconnect. to open up again, to be honest and to figure out who i am now and what i want and need in my future. there are also good friends i have to say goodbye to in the coming month as they move away and start the next chapter that God has called them to.

so although i feel like i haven't done much since graduation, i am realizing that the people i can be spending time with is a far greater use of time. this is a relational season of life i am in and i plan on taking advantage of that!

disintegration.

2010-06-02T01:38:00.000-05:00

in the middle of round two of sleepless nights, i find myself searching for free.

in the last 48 hours i have made steps towards God and understanding his unfathomable grace for me. they seem simple and redundant, but they are huge and freeing. in the last 4 years i have changed. i have learned some valuable lessons in very hard ways. and most importantly i have finally begun to understand just how vast God's unconditional love for me really is.

in order to understand how big grace is, i have to understand how big my sin is. i do. all my life i have lived under the radar. i have squeaked through on the morality scales and managed to fool tons of people into believing that i am quite perfect and pleasing to God. i am here to admit that i am one of the worlds biggest hypocrites you may ever get the chance to meet. and i am happy to get that in the air because i can now stop hiding behind the phony mask that i have been trying to wear and bask in the unbelievable overflow of grace that is being poured out on me right this second.

to pretend as though i have never struggled is silly. it is robbing God of the right to be glorified through my life. i am crazy to believe that making people believe that i am basically a saint will win me a cooler house in heaven. Jesus Christ made me. he knew before what sins i was capable of and he made me anyways, because above any of that he knew that i was also capable of loving Him. he knew that i could be a great example of a person in dire need of his forgiveness. i am honored.

i am also recovering. in the Ragamuffin Gospel, writer Brennan Manning lets us know that we are silly, insignificant, incapable beings who will mess up and mess up and mess up. we are destined for failure and death. {insert God's insane grace}. okay - now we are meaningful. now we have reasons and responsibilities and purposes. figuring out that no matter what you try to use as a band-aid on your life, you will still bleed through is a crushing discovery. i am wounded and i am confused and i am in shock of the state of myself. but the freedom i feel in confession and in beginning the journey of redemption is the light at the end of this tunnel.

it sucks that everything is a process. that we are continually starting new processes. i know this will be a long climb out. but i feel free to roll around in the grace that i am being drowned in. i am just now at 22 years realizing this indescribable gift and i want so badly to understand it better and appreciate it more. thank God.

authority song.

2010-05-18T17:49:00.000-05:00

it is only Tuesday and it has been a long week already.
really just an extension of a long weekend as well.

it started in Mason. this past week there was a big to do with one of the teachers/girls varsity basketball coach which ended in a resignation as coach and a news report by a senior girl in a bias local station interview. this created an uproar among the students who all dearly love and respect their teacher and coach.
this was followed by a tragic and untimely death of a 16 year old Mason student by his own hand.
needless to say - there are questions being asked in Mason.

also yesterday was my final day of training as a new patient safety sitter at Sparrow Hospital in Lansing. i took the job as a way to get into acute patient care and have face time with patients to up my chances of getting into PT school this winter. after finally getting on the floor with patients yesterday and shadowing other sitters i am petrified. to put it plainly. i sat with three patients yesterday and the things they are feeling and reasons they are in the hospital are heartbreaking.

my dad gave me the advice of Mother Teresa: "Love each person as Jesus in a despairing disguise."
it is hard to imagine getting kicked at, swung at and spit at. name called and degraded by people in desperate need of good news. and then to walk away from work with a smile and prayer and believe that God has it all under control. but i believe that this is exactly where he wants me right now. i think being among the walking wounded. the hurtingest souls. will pull me directly and swiftly out of my comfort zone. it will cause me to rethink what i believe and who i trust. which is exactly what i need right now in my life.

jesus- i am anxious to know you better. to rethink you in the darkest of times. through the hardest of experiences. i know and believe that you have each one of these people from the past few days in your hands and you are working hard to reassure all who love them that you are sovereign. that there is a plan. that you are and always will be LOVE.

like you knew that i would.

2010-05-05T00:35:00.000-05:00

the treasures of the internet seem to abound when i am supposed to be studying hard for a final in t- like 10 hours? ehh...whatever!

these are the bands keeping me alive right now:
-the Almost
-Capital Lights
-Children 18:3
-Cartel
-Phoenix
-Blink 182
-Hawk Nelson

<3 ch-ch-ch check em out!

truth.

2010-05-03T11:44:00.000-05:00

trial and temptation

is often a sign of God’s work in our circumstances
to draw us away from the fleeting promises of sin

into the sweeter promises of grace.

<3 love.

oh, such a premadonna.

2010-05-02T18:49:00.000-05:00

just a relaxing sunday night. studying. not working in the am.
trying to drink in the cool night breeze and the quiet of the world as the sun sets, the moon rises and life goes on.

some days are easier than others. sometimes we are surrounded with constant support and encouragement. some days we feel like the world is against us. some days it feels like our life is harder than everyone elses. some days all we want to do is reach out to a friend and make their day a little easier.

some days are a little easier than others.
but all the same. each and every day we are called to be an example of Christ. no matter how frustrated, how mad, how annoyed. every day we are called to throw off the sin that so easily entangles (and it definitely easily entangles). we are asked to turn the other cheek. to love our enemies and our neighbors and our friends. not some days. everyday.

are we living lives that are making it a little easier for the people around us to love us. to confront us when they need to. to be themselves, to be honest and real. are we making it easier for people to love us?

some days (most days) we as humans can be real ugly people. our hearts have turned sour and the contents of our hearts soon come spilling forth. through our mouths, our actions, our reactions, our faces and our ears. instead of remembering to be slow to anger, quick to forgiveness and abounding in love we pour out anger and bitterness and lash people with the things we say.

instead of remembering all the things others owe us, we should be finding ways to make those human spirits feel at ease around us. remind them we are all human. we all have days we need to be forgiven for and words we wish we could take back.

i am learning and challenging myself to forgive quickly. to confront before hearts turn sour. and i ask that i may receive the same. some days are easier than others. but all days need love.

mile away.

2010-04-28T12:15:00.000-05:00

i'm closing in on the finish line of my college career. soon i will be an MSU alum and a bachelor degree holder. my life will be perfect and all will be right with the world as i immediately pay off all of my debts and begin to make millions in preparation for a great retirement.

too fast you say?

well i AM living in a culture of instant gratification. why shouldn't i be able to be satisfied and happy immediately? why shouldn't i be able to say exactly what is going to happen in my life next? why can't i have it all when i want it?

unfortunately 2010 is very real. the economy sucks. it costs tens of thousands of dollars to get a good degree and there is a very real chance that you will in fact not get into grad school or get the job that you believe you desire at this 22 year old moment. i am stepping off of the conveyor belt, assembly line that has so far been my life and am stepping into the black abyss of unknown.

i mean REALLY unknown. and while most days i don't feel like getting out of bed. can barely convince myself that these exams are actually worth studying for. and have absolutely no leads into what i will be doing in 11 days. i still for some crazy reason feel peace.

oh wait - there is a reason...

Jesus Christ has died and he has risen. he gives me a reason to wake up. to pass my classes and to dream of the future. he assures me that he has plans to prosper and not to harm me. he will not put me through more than i can bear. and most importantly he has given me the Holy Spirit to lead and guide me into a life of sharing his name and Gospel with those i come in contact with - whoever/wherever/whenever that is.

so at least i have that on my side :)

it's my party.

2010-04-23T07:36:00.000-05:00

i have been on this earth for 22 years now. to some that is a lot, to more it is nothing.

what will be this year? what can i expect from the deuces? will i make it to my golden birthday next year?? so many questions.

my birthday is always a weird time. i think i like the few weeks before my birthday more than my birthday itself and especially more than the day after my birthday. i always feel awkward when celebration calls for a whole day where i am the center of attention. i mean when i was a kid i loved it! but now it begins to feel like a day when people are obligated to make time for me. when those who haven't really been interested in my life before come out of the woodwork to pay their dues to me. or maybe that is just my selfish interpretation of it. maybe i just need to get over myself and be more grateful for a day to celebrate.

i am getting better. the last few years have been rough. this year i have been prayerfully anticipating this day and hoping God can just allow me to accept well-wishes without thinking beyond what it is. and above anything else- just realizing that God is celebrating his decision to make me perfectly Dilyn. <3

believe in what you want.

2010-04-13T10:08:00.000-05:00

false.

i do not believe this is true. but jimmy eat world does.
JEW (awkward) is one of my favorite bands. i could listen to any of their albums all the way through. but this song just made me stop and listen again because it is touching on a topic i have been faced with a lot lately. the lyrics say:

Don't bother going through your motions.
Nothing that makes sense ever works out...
Please keep in sight what makes you care...
Do you believe in what you want?...
What you ignore is priceless to me...

this isn't the whole song...but the lines that stuck out to me. in reading these words i am trying to figure out what the singer believes. he obviously has a conflict of interest with the listeners he is speaking to, but i'm not sure what he actually believes in. is he saying you should believe in what you want? or that you are a fool for believing what you want?

well. lets go to a more reliable source. the bible...
this passage has continued to recur and recur in my life for the past few weeks. in my own life and in the conversations i have been having with friends and with high school students. Romans 7:14-17 says that as a Christ follower i have decided in my heart that the law of God is true. that i need his forgiveness for eternal life and that he is the only one who can save me from a life of sin. however, although we know that this is true we continue to do the opposite.

we know what we want to do and what we do not want to do. yet we are always finding ourselves drawn back to what we know is sin. if you are banking that by accepting Christ you are saved from sin. you have to really BELIEVE that. because otherwise, each time you are sucked back into sin you are going to feel more and more helpless and hopeless i have come to find.

we cannot just believe what we want. we have to believe what we KNOW. the truth that we are saved. that we are forgiven for yesterday, today and tomorrow. so that we can truly rest assured in our salvation and the truth that God has promised for those who believe. keep that in sight.

you and your heart.

2010-04-07T13:55:00.000-05:00

1. new jack johnson cd comes out June 1st and he is coming to DTE on July 20th! i HAVE to go! non-negotiable!

2. my best friend Kelly just butt dialed me and left a message while she was in the middle of babysitting and it sounds like the little boy was crying because he had just peed in the shower before he got in and now he was too scared to take a shower. Kelly to the rescue! haha...best message ever!

3. i am currently house/pet sitting at my aunts house. last night while doing my homework i heard a scratching sound and after searching the whole house realized it was coming from the fireplace above the closed flue. today while sitting here working on stuff i hear a cooing sound. my guess is a raccoon stuck in there. GREAT! didn't realize i would be pet sitting this little guy too! what to do...

4. no high school this week because they are on spring break which means i have TONS of extra free time! perfect for this week as i will only have 3 more weeks of classes before finals and graduation! GAHHH! i can't even believe it! so much to do...

5. i am getting my hair colored at 5pm! finally! couldn't hold out any longer! hope it turns out good :)

6. praise God for raising his Son! his resurrection means new life for me as well.

7. how do you chose to live a life of guts? no guts = no God's glory. so says Mark Batterson in the new book i am reading "Wild Goose Chase". praying for challenges and eye openers.

holler.

misfits.

2010-04-02T10:32:00.000-05:00

how do you say it? happy good friday? merry good friday?
i'm not really sure what is politically correct in your greetings and in reminding people that this is in fact the day that Jesus Christ was brutally murdered. hung on a cross so that I, Dilyn and you,______, would not have to.

does this make sense? it is a story told over and over, but it never feels like we understand the full magnitude of it. and i believe that we do not often stop to consider the full magnitude of it because we are living lives that do not beg forgiveness.

how can you truely desire hope and grace if you have not admitted daily that you need it? how do we understand what His complete sacrifice can mean for us if we think that our lives are "good enough"? what will draw us to a higher purpose if we don't care to see purpose in our walk?

as if laying low. eating your breakfast. getting to class on time. making enough money at work to get by and not staying up too late will keep you off the "hell" radar. as if being the "good kid" will just fake the people around you into believing you pray and read your bible and ask God for advice. how often are we stripped of everything and reminded that that we are nothing. that those things won't save us.

why do we always wait until we are completely frustrated to finally thrown our hands up and give it to God? you know how people always talk about not wanting a sad funeral? well i think that God, while wanting us to understand the complete magnitude of his sacrifice, did not intend for us to only remember it in a sorrowful state.

there is a light in your eyes.

2010-03-28T17:40:00.001-05:00

weekends such as this one are full of things like:
-falling in and out of deep thought reveries.
-getting misty eyed for random reasons or no reason at all.
-contemplating life.
-getting random butterflies during said reveries.
-feeling overwhelmed.
-feeling blessed.
-feeling God.

being faced with uncertainty in plans as graduation approaches has caused my mind to wander on most days. with no options, it means i have every option. what do you do when you can do anything?

one of the thought reveries i fell into was reminiscing about my summer spent working up north a few years ago. i started looking back at pictures and then looked at all my friends facebook pages to see what they have been up to since that great summer adventure. looking at their pictures of what life is like now, i realized that God put me in their paths to show me that his world and his eyes are endless, they look beyond the ordinary and find life and adventure in places i can't even fathom...check out what some of those crazy cats are up to now:

callie is hanging out with sloths in Costa Rica.

kara is living out west by Bishop National Park, CA.

sara is working in DC.

david is saving sea turtles down south.

jon got his girl!

emily still sells cherries. :)

keri keeps fighting the war against babies breath!

clark is in the peace corps.

aaron is holding down the fort at the dunes.

it's a beautiful thing. remembering those kind of moments. those once in a lifetime experiences. looking forward to what is to come. there are adventures happening everyday. everywhere. my God is a god of power, majesty and adventure. :)

mock the music.

2010-03-22T09:48:00.000-05:00

http://donmilleris.com/2010/03/19/if-it-werent-for-god-youd-be-more-efficient/

recently read this post from author Don Miller and it was very funny reading it considering the morning i had. i am currently into my 4th hour at work since 8am following a drive to the detroit airport and back to drop Selma off after her trip to the mitten. that means i have officially been awake for 7 hours and it isn't even noon yet. ugh.

the concept of rest is just so foreign as a college student. you are constantly being dragged through the muck of countless days on end with no sleep and high stress situations, praying for a weekend and then ending up with even less sleep than during the week. it never ends. and so we hear- it never will!

we, as a nation, have worked ourselves into an impossible situation. working more hours than ever before to gain less than before and being less efficient than ever. where are you God! i mean daylight savings hour? give me a whole week extra to reboot!

yet somehow we are pushing through. we are finding just enough rest to sustain ourselves and no more. we are getting just enough little glimpses of rest and hope and peace to calm ourselves down and remember that we are human. we can't do it all. but we are held up by one who can.

the classic crime.

2010-03-12T12:43:00.000-06:00

http://www.relevantmagazine.com/life/whole-life/features/20827-when-its-good-to-get-mad

this article talks about justified anger. a concept that as it discusses is so hard for christians to wrap their minds around. when is it okay to be angry? when should we just bite our tongue and let it go? i know for one, that i am in no way well versed at this decision making process.

what happens when you believe that what someone does is detrimental to the kingdom of God but that person doesn't seem to think it is that big of a deal? how do you figure out who is over or under-reacting? and another thing...how does the whole "don't do something that your brother is tempted by" fit into this question?

hard. interesting.

you might be a big fish, in a little pond.

2010-03-09T15:30:00.000-06:00

so i finally am doing it. i just created a second savings account for myself to save up for a sweet new camera! i have my eye set on the Nikon D40 - but by the time i actually have enough, who really knows right?

i have been all over the internet for the past two days because i have absolutely nothing else to do at work from 8-5p and will have even less to do tomorrow. also the office next to us is being painted so i have not only been staring at a computer screen and feel as though my eyes may pop out, but i am almost high as well. but i digress...there are a few websites i have seen with pictures taken on the Nikon D40 and they are unbelievable with lighting and color!

this picture and more can be found on one of my favorite fashion blogs.

i hadn't had a camera in almost 2 years before i finally got one for christmas this year. nothing as fancy, but it does the trick (for now*) and is better than anything i have had yet! eric took it to Mexico with him so i am excited to see how his shots turn out! i haven't been able to take too many yet...i am SO excited to try outdoor shots now that the sun is out and things are starting to get some color! :)

yay! almost 5 o'clock. time for a trip down to battle creek now for my internship! it should be a beautiful drive into the sunset! i'll try to take some pics on my cell phone for later!

perfectly lonely.

2010-03-08T14:29:00.000-06:00

rarrrr. work is so boring! sometimes i get nervous to work full time because i feel like every job will be sucky and boring and the same every single day! i have to remind myself that one day what i am doing will be something i LOVE and quite possibly something i have never imagined!

it has been a long day of surfing the web and thus i have added quite a few updates and links to my blog. i am still trying to find a better layout/background but make sure you scroll down and check out my links and new blog rolls! i just find it is easier for myself to put all my link loves on here so i can just go all over from this one page and not have to bookmark tons of things and find little shortcuts like i always have.

today at work i went to the union to take all of the lost and found crap to the postoffice. (who knew that was the campus' main lost and found??) and i just have to think that it is just pointless because no one is ever going to claim that crap. it reminds me of my dream when i was little - i always imagined that when i get to heaven one of the first things i am going to ask God is where all the crap went that i could never find! i just want to see a huge pile of all the things i have ever lost in life. :)

other good news! i have been missing eric so much already and it has only been like 3 days since he has been gone! get it together dilyn! but i emailed Riv and found a link to check out updated pictures from the trip which is wonderful since i have no contact with anyone!

www.back2backministries.com <<--- scroll to the bottom left and enter #17550

<3 eric fixing bikes with cute little kiddos :)

it looks to me like James may just come back with a slight tan :) haha

who am i? part II

2010-03-05T17:57:00.001-06:00

alright - i'm sure this was a long awaited post :)
continuing on in the testimony saga.

the beauty of a dunk like this is that to get to the rim you have to rise above the competition. it shows true athleticism - there is no simple cherry-picking or breakaways going on here...just straight ups.

my dad is a high school english teacher and has been a long time varsity basketball coach as well. he has the gift of inspiration and that gift is perfectly brought out in the classroom or on the basketball court. he can put words together like no one i have ever met and leave you questioning everything you have ever thought to be true. his classrooms are always littered with posters:

No man is an island....Muhammad Ali knocking people out...Two roads diverge and I, I take the one less traveled by.

you get the idea.

the one i remember the most though is a dunk similar to the one above, but one man rising above the rest in a simple back ally pick-up, streetball game. no fame, no glory...just one man rising above the rest to the rim. a simple phrase attached:
"Don't settle for mediocrity, rise to new heights."

the idea of mediocrity has plagued me all my life. convincing myself that i am not good enough, that i don't do enough, that i am not enough. i was never told those lies, but somewhere between middle school and college my faith in God and who i was by His name was lost amongst the lies of high school. i felt i wasn't pretty enough, i wasn't smart enough, i wasn't funny enough, i wasn't fit enough or good enough at sports. injuries, alcohol, 3.5's and breakups only reaffirmed those things in my mind.

most of the reason i wanted to become a Younglife leader in college was because, being the oldest sibling, i wanted someone to look up to. i sought out strong, beautiful, committed young women of God and prayed that i could be more like them. the idea of being a graceful, godly women has constantly pulled me back to God. in my own leaders i saw that look of purpose and i desired it for my own life. for the past 4 years i have wrestled with how best to show those girls that there is more. that they are beautiful, loved and desired. that the world's is not the standards we need to reach. i realized how detrimental my desires to be cool and beautiful hurt the person i truly wanted to be known as and if i can help even one girl see that today, then my time is well spent.

since high school, i still struggle daily with being adequate. my love language is affirmation. i love being told i have done well, that i am on the right track. that my life is glowing with God. and who better to hear those words from than God?

"you have done well my good and faithful servant." -matthew 25:21*

our name is our virtue.

2010-03-03T12:11:00.000-06:00

this is my great friend Katie and I at high school graduation four long years ago. we are so cute! :) haha...i had the chance to meet up with her for lunch yesterday while she was in town for Western Michigan's spring break. she is one of those great friends where time passes and you don't talk for months and then you can get back together over lunch and it's like no time has passed at all! yet here we were four years later with completely different lives and mindsets, life plans and heartbreaks looking forward to another graduation!

that is one thing i have learned about friends since college. how different all your friendships can look, but how each is valuable and each feeds you in a different way. there are a few friends who know your whole heart inside and out and others that are placed in your life to share struggles or to help you find the joy through each day. i am excited to move on and develop some friendships and find new ones, it is exciting to know that each person in my life is there for a very specific purpose one way or another. i hope i can see that in each life i am crossed with!

God is such a perfectionist! he thinks of everything...

ps- who am i? part II is coming soon! never fear :)

salt in the snow.

2010-03-01T09:41:00.000-06:00

what is my problem you ask?

i am not prepared to be wrong.

my battle with myself all this time has been a matter of allowing myself to be wrong. of considering someone else's opinion without taking what they are saying to heart. how am i to come to an agreement with someone, or at least look them in the eyes when i talk to them, if i am not prepared to hear what they are saying? how do you get yourself to a point in life when you aren't thinking the world is out to get you and you are free to express your opinion without fear that people will turn it down?

i know that i am often wrong, but i am not often willing to admit that. and therein lies my fatal flaw.

"trapped by the search for significance."

2010-02-28T14:36:00.000-06:00

in preparing my testimony, i found this quote from this article on one of my favorite websites, relevantmag.com. it was a blog/article feature called "Deeper Walk" and can be found here!

reading the article brought a lot of truths in my life to the surface (aside from being of mixed decent of course) and the final paragraph struck a chord especially. please read the whole paragraph, but below you can find my favorite part:

"As I grow in my relationship with God and sense His enduring commitment to me, I see that His plans for me are greater than anything I could have imagined. God hears my cry for significance and whispers, "I put those longings in your heart because I have plans for you. I gave you that voracious hunger for greatness and beauty and purpose because I'm calling you to serve Me and reveal My purpose.?""

above all else. even at this point and not having any idea what awaits me in the coming months and years, i can be assured of this: that His plans for me are greater than anything I could imagine. i have been told that even if it's hard to believe, you just have to keep repeating to yourself the promises of God and eventually your heart and mind will be molded to match the truth that you know. that has been my problem most of life, i know what i am reading and learning is true, but my heart and mind are still trying to fully grasp and apply those truths.

pray for truth to continually be revealed and also the patience for God to reform your heart to fit it in.

who am i? part I

2010-02-25T10:36:00.000-06:00

how many testimonies do we hear that are just a list of all the bad things in life and then *poof* then i met Jesus and my life is amazing now! everytime i hear one of those i think two things:

1) how magical.
2) really? because being a christian seems like a way harder person to be than not.

what i do know is that there are two kinds of christians, the slow growers and the born again crazies. i feel like my christian walk is comparable to a SIN function constantly going up and down and really not looking to be making much progress, while people who experience that one turning point are on this exponential curve up towards heaven. i think to myself, "Hey! I've been working at this longer and harder than you! What the frick!" and then i pray for forgiveness that i don't get smitted for thinking those thoughts...

i feel like when giving a testimony it can just become this long laundry list of all the crappy things that have happened in your life and when you are done and people are patting you on the back and are telling you they will be praying for you, you realize your life is not as bad as it just sounded. it's frustrating trying to talk about your life because it can feel like it won't be good enough if it doesn't have heartache and turmoil woven into every other sentence.

i have come to believe though, that the beauty of a testimony is not hearing the process, but realizing that God knows this person so freaking well that he knew exactly what kinds of hardships and emotions this person needed to experience and feel to become the person speaking now before us. he knew that this was the best way for him to reveal his glory and majesty to the world, not by writing letters in the sky, but by impacting each one of our lives in his own way!

so yeah - there might be two sides to the saving story. but in reality, we all know it's not a one time deal. being saved is a life-process we go through of changing the way we see things. shifting our focus off what we see and understanding how God is viewing things. we are not magically transformed, but given an opportunity to trust that God is always doing that for us!

<3

hands off...she's mine.

2010-02-19T09:45:00.000-06:00

for the last few weeks i have been trying to figure out how to piece my life together one life changing moment at a time. what pieces play the biggest part in my life and when were those "ah-ha" moments that served to define who i am today? when you think of your testimony, it always seems to end up as this laundry list of things that have or have not happened during your existence, but i am trying to dig a little deeper. i want to understand who i am and how i got this way.

so i am going to start a blog "series" if you will. try something new out...each post is going to be another "lesson" i have learned and am now trying to piece together. after reading each one please please let me know if you see anything through the story that i may have missed! figuring out who you are can be a hard process alone :)

Installment #1 to follow shortly :)

i knew i was more godly than you...

2010-02-17T12:28:00.001-06:00

ok - i'm kidding. please...give me some credit. i'm not THAT sacrilegious and full of myself.

but seriously...i always knew i hated bacon for a reason :) please read the following article:

http://www.relevantmagazine.com/creation-care/blogs/20535-god-doesnt-want-you-to-eat-bacon

it's funny because today while reading the State News there was an advertisement along the sidebar for a new place called the "SugarShack" - not sure where it is located. but they were advertising their "bacon and dark chocolate cupcake" - SICK! what has the world come to is all i can say...haha

one of the arguments you can see is "well if God doesn't want me to eat bacon than why did he make it so tasty?"...well this can be explained for the fact that much of what you are tasting is in fact not even the meat! but all of the fat, salts and sugars that have been pumped into the nasty juiciness...

reject apathy...don't eat bacon! :)

(all in good fun...but seriously...)

sha sha.

2010-02-15T21:24:00.000-06:00

one of my biggest struggles is saying: "if..." or "when..." or "soon..."

i will let myself start to believe that the life i am living right now is not the life i am supposed to be living and that things will be right if, when or soon...
as if the stars are going to magically align and THEN all the mistakes i make, the relationships i suck at and the time i waste will be no more.

how do i learn to love myself at this moment? to believe that what i am doing now does matter? how can these moments of struggle point to redemption? i know they do. i know the Lord uses it all for his plan and purpose. that what i am doing now will lead me to "later"...

i think the biggest problem with living in an "if, when, soon" world is that you think "someday" is coming...but the miscalculation is that "someday" will be here on earth. i realize now that this day i dream for is when i am perfected by grace in the arms of my Savior, sitting in Heaven praising his name.

so instead of ending my sentences believing everything will fall into place here. i need to live for the "when i get to heaven" and "soon Jesus will save the earth" and wonder "if i am ready to face Him"...those are the important questions. the eternal ones.

live for Jesus. live in peace. <3

jesus has a thing for losers.

2010-02-09T13:38:00.000-06:00

i have been watching a ton of music videos all weekend! these are two of my favorites! there are so many more, but you wouldn't watch them all most likely and i might just have to start posting a few every so often. i have to remind myself that smaller doses can be better :) haha...

it's funny that of all the videos i watched: rock, pop, christian, secular, girls, boys, bands, solos...these two both ended up being songs about the Love of Christ. funny how above all those sounds and pictures stands that reminder of love that really tugs at our hearts the most...what draws us in.

previously i talked about really getting back to figuring out how to quiet myself and listen for God's voice. one of the best ways to do that i believe is to fill your senses and figure out which one is best feeding you at the time. be it these songs, the visual or the words. being outside in the pretty snow and winter air. contentment in a good meal or the touch of a person you care dearly about. God made us to be sensitive beings, he made us to experience him in abundance. in many ways. we cannot limit him to words - he is above all and importantly...he is IN all.

<3

could you fill this hole? cuz i can't do it alone.

2010-02-07T12:14:00.000-06:00

just some fun pictures from making "gingerbread" houses at michelle's a few weeks ago!

other than that...life.
i've been going home a lot more frequently lately to hang out with my parents and get their insight on my life and fill them in on my thoughts of the week. there are big decisions looming ahead and it is good to be on the same page as them and feel like we are caught up on what the other is thinking so there aren't any surprises!

the latest is...who knows?! so far i have been accepted to one school which is great - except it is much further away than i had planned. at first i have always thought, well you know, i have to do what i have to do to get to where i want! but there are many things right and wrong about that statement. so instead i have been more concentrated on each day praying "okay God, what do you want me to realize about my future today?" - more often than not it feels like there is no answer, but really i am just out of practice with hearing God's still small voice...

and that's just it. the biggest lesson i have yet learned in my life i am so quickly forgetting when i need it most! the lesson that God is always here, that he is always telling us his will. God's will is not a big mystery! he desires to reveal it to us! he wants us to know the plans he has for our prosperity! he isn't some tricky man holding things under our noses and playing games on us to figure it out. and so the question is - why can't i hear him? what in my life is causing me to be distracted from that voice? how can i clear my chaos to know the will of the one who has the best plan in place for me?

it's a tough reality feeling as though you are back to square one on a lesson you thought you already learned. but such is life! at least i am remembering it and not still lost and confused with no sense of direction right? haha...who knows...

but i do know, that as long as i have reset my course in God's direction and not just my best guess as to the direction he wants me to walk in - then i am at least going to stumble upon it eventually :)

don't you know that you're beautiful.

2010-01-24T13:37:00.000-06:00

i have been struggling (like many my age) to figure out where my path is going to lead me after i finish up my undergrad here at Michigan State this spring. prayers, tears and excitement have led me to the place i stand now today - completely and utterly still unsure. not even sure where to begin - which things to consider more than other.

http://www.relevantmagazine.com/god/deeper-walk/features/19437-no-place-like-home
i found this article today and it spoke directly to my heart.

i'm not so sure i have been completely focused on all the right reasons of why to stay and why to go. i like to convince myself that i have been - but the problem is i haven't been thinking enough of the things i could do here. at home. i just figure that my routine will continue as is if i stay here, instead of dreaming of all the other possible things that could be.

i am excited. i pray not to feel overwhelmed. above all else, i have complete confidence that God is here and he is working to reveal to me the path i am to take. i am convinced that there is no real right or wrong decision to be made - rather a new way to find and pursue God. i am just praying that it is revealed in a timely fashion! :)

thicker than water.

2010-01-22T08:12:00.000-06:00

one of the hardest things about my faith is not knowing how to share it.

it's hard to share with christians, because a couple of different things can happen:
1. it becomes a game of who knows more/who is the better christian
or
2. you are at completely different places in your walk and thus one person leaves feeling like a failure
or
3. a simple conversation starter can be misconstrued as a call for help and instead of a great chat about faith, it becomes a sit and listen to how you should fix all your problems

on the other hand, it is just as hard if not harder to share your faith with non-christians because:
1. you don't know how they will receive it so you mention all the aspects of your faith except one important one: God
or
2. it quickly becomes a debate in which neither side is learning anything, but rather only defending themselves
or
3. you don't think you know enough to be able to actually say anything about your faith because you know it will be questioned and you aren't sure how to answer anything, so instead you just chat about worldly things that they may care about but you really don't

-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

it's like you are trapped in this private faith. not knowing when to say something and when not to. not wanting to have to correct a brother in Christ and also not feeling prepared enough to save someone.

i want to glow with Christ. exude His Love. and make it the center of everything i talk about. not necessarily straight up, but at least the undertones. if my faith is something i am staking my whole life on, i feel like i shouldn't care what counters could await me in conversations. i know that in those moments God has promised that as long as we are in prayer - He will give us the words to defend, to show love and to produce faith.

it's hard because i tell myself - it's not that i am afraid. it's not that i feel like i will be persuaded into another faith. it's not that i'm not proud or completely confident in what i believe. i'm not sure what it is. but i pray that i can continue to grow in my faith, in order that i may show the confidence in God that i know He has in me.

<3

Proverbs 21:3 - "The Lord is more pleased when we do what is right and just than when we offer him sacrifices."

grace grows best in winter.

2009-12-02T11:04:00.000-06:00

when the tree looks dead. when all the leaves have fallen. when no life appears to be bursting forth. then the roots grow deep.

how am i going to use these long dreary months of winter? will i continue on in my old habits of staying couped up inside all day long. of making excuses for my bad moods. of dreading each day because it means facing the bitter cold?

or will i decide that in these months - when the pace of life slows down a little bit. that i will pay attention to my growing roots instead of the bare branches surrounding me?

i have been preparing for this day of first snowfall for months now. reading, writing and praying that my God will allow me to see more this time. to look beyond my immediate wants and desires into the abundant gift of grace that is present in the midst of the season.

i know that with this new mindset things won't automatically be easy, but i know that my awareness and my desire to seek harder after God's blessings and hopes for my winter will allow me to not simply endure, but to find life.

dolla dolla bill ya'll.

2009-11-19T13:42:00.001-06:00

money sucks. there is never enough.

it isn't so much that money is controlling me as it is controlling me.
let me explain...

the things i am choosing to spend my money on are good. i was thinking about it the other day and probably a very large majority of my money is actually going towards God's kingdom in one form or another. even if you include paying bills to be able to live in a house full of beautful christian women - it was a decision that God led me to make and thus i can be confident that it is a way that God wanted me to spend some extra money.

it can just be frustrating not to have it around when it is good things you want to spend it on. especially this year, as christmas is coming up...it is a perfect way to show people around you how much you love them by taking the time to pick out a special gift for them and spend a little extra dough. but it's not there so instead you have to make them something that was supposed to be cool, but will instead turn out looking like a 3 year old did it and say "look, this is how much you mean to me."

ok ok...so a little over exagerrated.

anyways. as i look into the holiday season and beyond. as i am stressing out about finding an internship next semester that will also allow for time to actually make money. as i anticipate what my fate will be next year for school. if i will immediately continue my education leaving myself thousands of more dollars in the hole or if i will instead have to get a full time job, health insurance and start paying off the mounds of loans that have already accumulated.

ah yes. so it goes.

hope rising.

2009-11-10T21:26:00.000-06:00

i have been thinking a lot lately about how to better allow God to permeate my life with his joy.

here are some things that make me feel most joyful:
-music
-basketball
-cherry pie
-eating dinner at home with my family
-riding shotgun to my dad
-family reunions
-being anywhere in the vicinity of Sleeping Bear Dunes
-getting soup at Panera with my boyfriend
-playing with little kids
-talking to my siblings
-going out to lunch with my mom
-talking to friends about all the things we are hopeful for
-Riverview Community Church
-singing worship songs
-long car rides alone when i can sing out loud
-indian summers
-full moons
-waking up on the first day of summer vacation
-eating fresh watermelon
-baking something and having everyone love it!
-taking pictures
-unexpected conversations with friends
-parties when lots of friends are together
-march madness: especially when i do good on my bracket
-being with a person who is really excited about something
-getting back a good test grade
-road trips to visit people
-concerts when i know all the songs

though the paths we are on may be full of bumps, turns and backtracking. i want to be someone who can say at the end of everyday- "God is so good."
in everything i do and in everyone i am around i want to allow the light of the Spirit that God has placed inside of me to more fully shine. there is a balance between what i am capable of and what i just cannot do. the difference is prayer. is scripture. is Jesus Christ.

"You have made known to me the paths of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence."
Acts 2:28

is it worth it?

2009-11-04T07:14:00.001-06:00

in the last week i have had a lot of conversations with people either trying to answer that question for themselves, or for someone they love.

is it worth it?

as a christian we are putting our whole purpose of life and livelihood in an adamant "YES!" - we are putting all of our eggs into this Jesus basket and we are closing our eyes and barreling through life until we come out on the other side we are hoping for.

i am reading a book right now by Francis Chan called "Forgotten God" - it is about the severe lack of Holy Spirit we have in our lives and churches these days. and one of the main points it touches on within the first chapter is this question followed by another:

what are you afraid of?

if we have decided to put our faith into God and our life into promoting his name among the nations, then why aren't we searching on a regular basis for new ways to be transformed by the Spirit that is already within us. that Spirit instead is just sitting inside of us, dormant, and in turn we are not the light to the world we are supposed to be. in fact, we are absolutely NO DIFFERENT than the rest of the world. so why would we proclaim to be a Christ follower for anything more than just hoping we will make it to heaven?

in Mark 3:14 Jesus is appointing the 12 apostles. in doing so he says that he calls them for 2 reasons. 1- "to be with Jesus" - which if you are a "christian" this is how we usually classify ourselves. but we are missing the second and most important part that Jesus says immediately after - 2- "to be sent out to preach".

to live out our faith among nations. to set ourselves apart.

when Jesus was about to ascend back up to heaven he tells his disciples that he is leaving them, but that it is necessary to do so, because by him leaving they will receive something "just as good" - the Holy Spirit. are we living as though we have something "just as good" as the real living, breathing Jesus inside of us? i know that i'm not.

i like this quote by oldie Tertullian:
"The Lord challenges us to suffer persecutions and to confess Him. He wants those who belong to Him to be brave and fearless."

i'm supposed to have it all together?

2009-10-28T18:47:00.000-05:00

sometimes i don't really know what the heck i am doing.
i feel as though i try hard though.
i feel as though i have everyone's best interest in mind.

sometimes though i feel like i am letting everyone and their mom's down.
i feel as though my best isn't good enough for anyone.
i feel as though i am failing.

did i miss something?
was i supposed to make everyone happy all the time?
am i to blame for the confusion that is life?

sometimes i feels as though i am.
sometimes it feels like i am supposed to have it all together.

lucky for me...someone else does.

i wish the world could write me a love song.

2009-10-26T23:32:00.001-05:00

what would it be about?
would it be sweet and slow?
or fast and bold?

what would the world write to me?
would it be wild and strange?
or the simple chords of a refrain?

i believe there is love in the soul
of the earth.
it is writing to reach us,
touch every heart.
on us the plains of love it is
hoping to impart.

it isn't complex
love isn't just sex
it is more than we hope for
more than we can see.
the world writes while it waits
for our discovery.

am i crazy to hope it?
naive to wish it?
do i deserve a word of courage
or a painful lament?

is it wrong to look harder
and deeper into sounds and
words and hurts and people
and lives?
to much to try?
useless to cry?

sitting silent and still
whispering words carefully chosen
the world waits for me.
it calls out to me.
it hopes for me, prays for me,
shares each of it's days with me.

is it so wrong?
to ask - to pray.
i hope the the world writes a song.
a love song each day.

everybody is a wild thing at heart.

2009-10-21T21:30:00.001-05:00

this article is great.

i still haven't seen the movie - i am planning on seeing it this weekend, but i am so pumped! it's so funny how true this article is though...we are all wild things at heart. we can all resonate with the book and it is totally our generation...

recently i also read an article in the State News about how our generation is super into being emo. with music, with art, with our facebook/twitter statuses...a lot of the older generations believe that we are so fascinated with pain and sorrow because our generation has not yet truly experienced what it means. we have this misconception that to be real art it has to have pain imbedded in it...while those people who have actually lived through sorrow are usually trying to forget about it and surrounded themselves with the happier things of life and not just wallow in their misery...

i see the point of the articles. i think it's true. sometimes i wonder if we are just being too hard one ourselves though...

quicksand.

2009-10-20T16:22:00.000-05:00

i don't get things that happen.
and i think a lot of the trouble i have with understanding why things happen to people is because i am looking in from the outside and often times don't have the whole story.

but sometimes i see people and what they are doing and who they are and who they are in relationships with and it all seems so perfect and cool and even thought i don't know all that is going on in that person's life i envy them and i feel like they are what i should strive to become...

then suddenly...their relationship is over. that perfect relationship. and so then i wonder, oh, well if THEIR relationship ended, then how will mine stand a chance? or they admit their flaws and i think, well if they are feeling guilt for THAT, then there must be something wrong with me for not feeling all that bad about myself...

and at this point i find myself thinking there are two solutions:
1. i can let go and give up on all that i have in my life, because chances are they will all probably fail anyways, so what's the point.

or

2. i can hit myself for even considering option 1 and realize that if i am continuing to compare myself to other people, no matter how perfect they seem, eventually that image will be shattered. and if my life is hanging in the balance then i will never be satisfied. the only perfect and worthy person/god i should be comparing myself to is the Lord...it is to live and love like Him that should be my goal. because he will NEVER change. he will NEVER fail. and he is someone i can very much get to know intimately...someone who will encourage me to follow.

changing.

2009-10-19T13:27:00.000-05:00

because i can't make my own art to describe my thoughts and my feelings, i use other peoples.

:)

how great is your love.

2009-10-18T22:30:00.000-05:00

i have been thinking a lot lately about how blessed i am.
how i have been blessed to keep such a strong faith throughout my life.
i have realized that never once have i questioned God; though i have plenty of times questioned what he is doing. and for that i am extremely thankful.

this not to say that i haven't faced hardship. trials. confusion. temptation.
this not to say that i have never failed.

lately i have been wondering why some people have to go through bouts of question. why some people don't. and what each of our roles are in the grand scheme of God's plan.
why is it that i can know for certain that whatever transpires in my life, i will be ok. i will be loved. i have eternity to look forward to. and why is it that some people don't? even those who have followed God just as long as i have. even those who are just as strong in their faith.

as Christians we are called to hold each other accountable to the faith we profess.
as a leader of high school students, it can be easy to tell the truths of the Word to 16 year olds, because they look up to me and they believe that what i am telling them is truth. but what do you say so someone your own age who has just as much knowledge of the scriptures? what happens when people know. they know. they know.

i get mad. and frustrated. and confused about things that happen in my life. but i know that without God and knowing that there is a better end for me than i could ever imagine or hope for is what reassures me.

what happens when things happen beyond your control?

what i have found is this. our greatest worries and our biggest fears are due to the fact that we can guarantee nothing here on Earth.
the concerns we have and the frustrations we feel are due to our desire to feel the best that we can as humans. we have faith in the end and we know where we are going. but our doubt and our emotion here on Earth are exactly what God uses to help us to realize how much better his lot for us is in heaven.

should we feel complete happiness, should we feel complete security, should we feel great ease of mind - those pearly gates wouldn't shine so bright.

the desire we have in our heart for love, for peace, for bad things to stop happening and for the world to make sense are our desires for God, but we try to find God in the wrong places. in love, in happiness, in a world that we can understand.
reassurances of love, of hope and of a future will not satisfy our desire. it will not sooth our soul. they are not what we want. because we know that they will not be fulfilled by anything here. we know. we know. we know this.

..."But God said to him, 'You fool! This very night your life will be demanded from you. Then who will get what you have prepared for yourself? This is how it will be with anyone who stores up things for himself but is not rich toward God...But seek his kingdom, and these things will be given to you as well."
luke 12:22-31

we are peculiar people this i know.

2009-10-02T13:15:00.000-05:00

i am officially applied to physical therapy schools all across the country!

yikes.

it's a weird feeling applying this time. when i applied to MSU it was so normal and i didn't think twice about whether or not i would get in. but now i am used to the fact that most likely i will not be getting in anywhere this year, but that i will have a whole year of possibilities before i reapply and begin the year after...

i am not in the least bit scared about my future right now. and that is awesome! i am so so excited. being so sure that God has a plan for me and that it will be better for me than i can ever imagine is the greatest comfort i could ever have.

i am just so ready to have something to do full time. i do not work well at all when i am devoted my whole self to lots of different activities. i like to think i am good at it, but the thought that i could be going to school full time and that be all is just awesome...

i love to be able to concentrate and succeed. i hate when everything i am doing is so so. it makes me feel like i am failing, like i can't handle things. and i hate that feeling.

i am hopeful for the future and prayerful for the present. i pray that i can be fully present in those things i am wrapping up right now and know that whatever lies ahead is for my good.

plans to give me hope and future. <3

listen to the silence.

2009-09-25T12:55:00.000-05:00

there is a road laid out before me.
a road i am very good at turning around and analyzing, but a road i suck at looking forward to.
i can't always remember where i began. and i definitely have no idea where i am going.
it can be cluttered, blocked off. detoured. a lot.
it can be paved. it can be rocky.

the road i have chosen is narrow.
sometimes it doesn't make sense.
sometimes it feels like i have just gone in a complete circle.
sometimes all i can see is beautiful horizon.
sometimes i am walking towards a sunrise.
some days i am walking into a sunset.

a lot of people cross my road.
walk alongside my road.
some i see going to opposite direction.
some i see standing still.

sometimes i feel like i should run down my road to try and see what lays at the end.
sometimes i am content in walking along with my hands in my pockets.

there are so many things going on with this road, but i think the one thing...the simplest thing...that i always forget. is that i am on a road. i am not lost and wandering in the wilderness. i am not floating in space. i am on a road.
i am going in a specific direction. whether i chose to or not is another story.
but i am purposed. there is a plan laid before me.
for my benefit. for my best interest. to pull forth all my gifts.

i am blessed.

wake up. you're alive!

2009-09-04T05:44:00.001-05:00

the school year has begun!

senior year! can't believe it. a lot of changes have already occured in my life and in the lives of those around me and there are a lot more changes to come!

it is an exciting time in my life. a time when i am not at all sure of where i will be at this time next year. a time when i am completely at the mercy of our God. when i am like a wad of clay in his hands...free to be molded into any single thing he could possibly want. and i am so excited and hopeful for that!

i was talking with my friend lamia :) last night and through our conversation i began to make some realizations as i looked back on my life so far. since having my three knee surgeries, i have struggled on a daily basis with what God wanted me to understand through those processes. and now as i begin my last year of planned out schooling and face the unknown real world i am beginning to see how my knee surgeries prepared me for this time.

after my knee surgeries, especially the second and third, there was a strong sense of 'why?' of 'what the heck am i supposed to do now?'...but each time i found ways to cope and i made it through becoming stronger for the trials. as i approach the unknown yet again, my first question is no longer 'what the heck Lord!?', but 'God, just please make your will clear to me!'

without experiencing the uncertainty of future with my knees, i am 100% sure that i would not be handling the unknown future well now. but instead i can rest easy in the palm of my Savior's hand. whether i get into school this year or not, whether i even end up becoming a physical therapists or if God wants me somewhere else...i am totally ready for it! i have clung to his promises of being with me always, even to the ends of the age and at this time in life i can feel assured by those same promises!

<3

she steals my money, when i'm in need.

2009-08-19T13:06:00.001-05:00

there are days when the purpose of life gets obscured somewhere inbetween working, studying, talking, doing chores, sleeping, having fun...

there are moments when you finally believe you have everything under control and at those exact moments are when something happens to remind you that you do not. that the world and the circumstances you find yourself in are bigger than you remembered. that there is more to do than you ever thought.

there are things that creep and crawl their way into my life. that bog me down when i am just hitting my stride. but then, i wait to much. i wait for things to clear up. i wait for the next hole in my schedule. i wait for time, but the truth is, time is flying away a lot quicker than it is showing up.

so how do you change your rhythm and your focus mid-run? when can you find time to make a change when there is non to be found?

in romans 12:2 it is written that we should be transformed by the renewing of our minds.

our transformation will not come from changing the outward things that we do. the people we are around. the job we have. it comes from the inside out. we are changed by the way we think, by the way we problem solve. it doesn't count if you think to yourself how much you wish you life was different, that isn't the renewing of your mind. it doesn't count if you are looking at how someone else lives their lives and want yours to look like it. it means that we must look at the situations that we are already in and change the way we are looking.

to do this i know i must be filling my mind with scripture. the more of god's promises i am clinging to, the easier it is for me to transform any kind of situation by recalling what i have read. the best part about changing your life being mental, is that no one can take it. it is yours alone to guard, to keep, to change.

a new kind of saga.

2009-08-13T10:37:00.000-05:00

so this past weekend i finnnnally finished the Twilight saga. and when i say saga i mean literally, seeing as it took me over a year to finish all four books. i can't say i hated them unfortunately - but they obviously weren't consuming my full undivided attention as say **Harry Potter** would :)

but now i have decided to take on a new kind of saga. one that will be long, but full of fun, adventure and hopefully life giving advice. i obtained the Chronicles of Narnia all in one book from Lamia and the complete works of C.S. Lewis (not including the chronicles) all in one book from my sister today! so i am going to start with the Chronicles (again) and read one book from each alternating! i am pumped and determined to allow leisure reading to stay a part of my everyday life no matter how busy i get!

pushing the senses.

2009-08-12T18:45:00.001-05:00

sometimes i feel like a failure. not in a literal sense. in the sense of things that no one can see but me. i might look great and successful on the outside, but inside i am fighting to tell myself that i am on the right track.

it becomes specifically clear in relationships. looking over the last few years of my life and the people i have been in contact with. i know i have failed a number of relationships that i could have invested more into. i know that i shied away from opportunity and instead convinced myself that it was their fault and not mine as i stayed holed up in my room, with my "busy" life.

what do you do when you feel like that? how do you reconcile? do you you? or do you just learn better for the next time? i am a firm believer in learning from past mistakes and not beating myself up over them. so believe me - that is not my intention now. but really...how do you convince yourself that you can leave what happened behind?

sometimes you make decisions at a time in life based on what you think will result from your choice. what happens when the reaction backfires? and instead of people realizing you have their best interest at heart. that you love them. what if they feel like you hate them? like you could care less? like you are selfish? how do you fix that.

strawberry avalanche.

2009-07-29T13:35:00.000-05:00

if you haven't already heard them. i am currently obsessed with the band called Owl City. they are amazing and easy to listen to for days at a time on repeat. over and over. you get the idea.

thought for today:
i get mad way too easily. i need to chill.
work has just been driving me crazy all summer. trapped in an office all day with two very strong willed, strongly opinionated people can make me want to slam my head into the wall. i have always been a good, hard worker, but sometime during this summer i lost my will to be proactive in my job at all.

pet peeve #1 - i hate when people talk over me. just let me finish my statement please!
pet peeve #2 - i hate when people over react to things that just don't really matter all that much and try to make their crisis my crisis.
pet peeve #3 - i hate when people delegate things down to me or treat me like i don't know what i'm doing before they really even give me a chance.
pet peeve #4 - i hate when people don't tell me everything i need to know to do a job well and then tell me halfway through the job.

i just need to get those out and leave them behind me.
God has me with these people in this job right now because he knows how hard this is for me to deal with and i need to get over it. no matter how frustrated i get or how many pet peeves are being hit each and every second of the day...it's not worth it. i am meant for more (according to lamia :)) and i need to see beyond this job and this point of my life.
we are called to live a life pleasing to God. we are called to be witnesses. we are called to be last. to be servants to those around us. being mad and cussing under my breath at the injustice of it all is just a waste of my time. my energy. my life.

get over it dilyn! hollerrrr.

and history books forgot about us...

2009-07-20T23:23:00.000-05:00

it is so easy to be caught up in hurry.
it is so hard to remember what is truly important.

it is so easy to believe in bad days.
it is so hard to get out of a bad mood without sleeping.

it is so easy to let life get to you.
it is so hard to change your life.

it is so easy to live vicariously through someone else.
it is so hard to believe that your life is perfect for you.

it is so easy to compare yourself to someone else.
it is so hard to remember you are fearfully and wonderfully made.

it is so easy to want someone to see your point.
it is so hard to admit you are wrong.

it is so easy to wonder what if.
it is so hard to find peace in what is.

it is so easy to ask questions.
it is so hard to accept answers.

the "one".

2009-07-13T22:33:00.000-05:00

happy one year to the love of my life :)

one more day.

2009-07-02T19:09:00.000-05:00

one more day.
until WILDERNESS! :)

*that was me when i went as a camper with my best friend Kelly four years ago now!*

funny. i keep thinking...one more day, one more day...today. and ironically the song
"One More Day" by Jackson Waters keeps coming up on my iTunes playlist.
and it is perfect.

one more day.
to get closer to god.
to say i love you.
to experience grace.
to smile.
to feel the weight of the world.
to see the sun.
to feel pain.
to offer advice.
to do something you always wanted to.
to believe in yourself.
to make the best playlist of all time.

one more day. we'll see our Savior's face.

hear you me.

2009-07-01T13:56:00.000-05:00

it's been a hard few days. so if you read this just pray for me!

we have been hosting this conference called Grandparents University at Holmes Hall since yesterday. It is basically this really cool thing, where grandparents bring their grandkids to MSU and experience the college life. they stay in dorms, eat cafe food and go to classes scheduled all around campus.

my grandma and grandpa duffey have both passed away now. my grandpa had Parkinson's disease since the year before i was born and it finally claimed his life last May 2008. my grandma died the year before him, March 2007, after deteriorating rapidly within 5 years; dying with Alzheimer's and a few years of Parkinson's under her belt as well.

they were awesome and i know they would have really loved being involved in this conference! it has just been hard seeing all these grandparents all over the place. i just really loved them and wish i still had some chances to spend time with them. i keep tearing up on the job and just need prayer that i don't burst into awkward, unnecessary tears while at work!

take time to tell your family members how much you love them! this time is precious.

i wanna be like you!

2009-07-01T07:43:00.000-05:00

i am copying my friend sara kell's idea. you copy your blog into wordle.net and it will make a compilation of the most popular words in a fun little picture. here is mine...

dismantle : repair.

2009-06-30T12:22:00.000-05:00

"So you must obey them and do everything they tell you. But do not do what they do, for they do not practice what they preach. They tie up heavy loads and put them on men's shoulders, but they themselves are not willing to lift a finger to move them."
Matthew 23:3-4

what?

ok. so the authority put before us. we must obey them but we cannot be like them? is that possible?

i have been reading these two verses all day now and trying to figure out how that should look in my life. how am i to show respect and obedience to the authorities placed before me, while still diligently following only God's orders? and even harder for me to imagine...how am i to be a part of this world and be involved in their issues, but not let those issues weigh heavily on my shoulders?

all i can decide from this right now. is that this will take extreme care and concentration on the task at hand. this is not a natural way to live - it will take effort. the other thing i need to learn to control in this is my sensitivity.

i cannot let an issue become a crisis. a weight on my shoulders.

how will i chose to react to other people's crises?
how do i extend a hand of grace while maintaining my own peace?

so close/so alive.

2009-06-25T14:38:00.000-05:00

we accept grace in theory, but deny it in practice.

is the emphasis on what i do or on what God is doing?

reality bites back if it isn't respected.

putting all of our trust in God creates an environment that can do nothing but change us.

"Sooner or later we are confronted with the painful truth of our inadequacy and insufficiency...there begins a long winter of discontent that eventually flowers into gloom, pessimism and a subtle despair; subtle because it goes unrecognized, unnoticed and therefore unchallenged. it takes the form of boredom and drudgery. we are overcome by the ordinariness of life, by daily duties done over and over again...we start acting like everyone else. life takes on a joyless, empty quality."

...this is a flat denial of the gospel of grace.

worth the fight.

2009-06-19T09:07:00.000-05:00

i have been thinking a lot lately about picking battles. about being too complacent vs. being over-bearing.

i have always been the kind of person who tries to avoid confrontation as much as possible. i am definitely getting better at it, but there is still room to improve. the thing is though- that my lack of confrontation is not necessarily due to the fact that i am scared or don't know what to say. in most cases it is just not worth it to me- i probably feel like there is a better way to handle the situation, but i haven't figured it out yet so i am going to wait to act until i feel like i have thoroughly exhausted other options.

i think there is a big difference between being complacent and quietly going about things. i am not the loudest person, so i won't win a yelling match. i am not the most knowledgeable person, so i won't try to out outsmart you. but i do believe i have gotten pretty good at patience and just being still and waiting. i care deeply and i desire the best in my relationships with people- i think i just come off with a "whatever" kind of attitude though.

i am not a debater, i am not a side taker. i just like to listen. to grow through conversation and seeing into people's lives. i believe that honesty does not always have to do with speaking aloud, i think it is rooted in how well you can listen too. honesty is measured in not only how much you tell, but in how free you feel. it is rooted in honor- in how much dignity you can uphold, in yourself and in those you are working with.

how can you be sincere if you have not taken time to listen? how can you be truthful if you do not understand the other side?

i am not just sitting around uninterested in all matters and trying to keep myself as distanced from confrontation as possible. i am listening, praying, formulating ideas and strategies. i want the best possible option. i want to be straightforward and sincere, but i also want to be free from guilt.

yeah, we are human. there is never perfection. sometimes you do have to lay it out on the line. but what is the cost? and how do you then go about rebuilding after the fall?

"Timothy, my son, I give you this instruction in keeping with the prophecies once made about you, so that by following them you may fight the good fight, holding on to faith and a good conscience. Some have rejected these and so have shipwrecked their faith."
1 Timothy 1:18-19

whistle while you work.

2009-06-16T10:49:00.000-05:00

ugh. stinkin Adam.
ruining all these beautiful summer days for us by sinning.
when God said he would curse the land and make us work hard to live in it...he wasn't kidding. constant pressure to work hard, get ahead, be successful in all we do and MAKE MONEY!

it sucks. i would much rather be outside. i wish there was something else that made the world go round besides money, but it is what it is and if it's not one thing it's the other.

i think it's a challenge though. God cursed us, but he knew what he was doing. he could have picked any way for us to be worse off, but he chose work. something that can so easily become an idol now, a family killer and a stress ball. he knew how easy it would be to become entangled in the rat race. and so he made it to be, because he also gave us a way out.

i hate work. but i am up for the challenge...i think...

nintendo sixty fouuuuuuuuuuuur.

2009-06-12T17:29:00.000-05:00

have you ever been so so so excited about something?
lately i have just been getting excited about little things for no reason.
like something will happen and i will get this crazy feeling of excitement...i will just get the sudden urge to smile/scream/jump up and down.

it could be little realizations i make. little things i see people do. feeling the sun on me. imagining my future. hearing good music.

you just get that little pumped up feeling and you are ready to rock and roll.

a lack of color.

2009-06-10T08:07:00.001-05:00

as much as i look forward to summer and the joy and warm feelings it brings. i have come to the conclusion that it is a much more painful time of year when you are stuck inside working all day and cannot partake in the glorious activities that await you out in the fresh air.

instead the only joys i feel are those of cold boring air conditioning and allergies.

greip as i may...i am stuck indoors during this perfect time so that i may be able to pay for and enjoy the cold, hard winter months full of schooling. why does the world seem so against me?...ok...just kidding. i am being over dramatic.

how am i to translate the warmth of the outside world into my heart? so that it may be closer to me as i sit inside. how can i train myself to think beyond the physical pleasures the sun brings and harness the energy through my windows? is there a way to bring summer to the inside world full of poor souls trying to make a living?

in the Bible, the sun is a sign of the end or of the beginning. when important battles were being fought or decisions made - they were made before sunset. when God wanted to kill someone for doing evil - it was done before the sun rose. we are reminded not to let the sun set on our anger or to worship the sun as a false idol. the sun is given power over us - apportioned by God. he placed it in the heavens as a marker, a light and a source of power and energy. that's cool.

i don't really know a lot about language - but i have always wondered at the irony behind 'sun' and 'son'. the sun is something we long for here in Michigan especially. it can change our mood in a snap. it can inspire us to go for a run, walk with a friend, take a vacation, or just be a little bit nicer in our relationships.

calvahomer: "how much more", then ought we to be inspired by the real Son. as much as the sun can effect my day, so should having the Son in it change me too. as much as i want to soak up the sun and get tan...so should i want to soak up the Son and grow in wisdom and in stature...

"The city does not need the sun or the moon to shine on it, for the glory of God gives it light, and the Lamb is its lamp."
Revelation 21:23

lord only knows.

2009-06-02T09:23:00.000-05:00

i love how i always come to a conclusion one way or another that eventually all the chips will fall into place and i will finally be at the perfect place in life to live to my full potential at all times. who am i kidding.

in the process of waiting for this moment i am slacking off and using it as my excuse of why i can't just push through in the life i am living right now. instead of taking full advantage of the situations i am in, i choose to dismiss them as a mere accident. i say - "this isn't normal, this won't be what my life will look like for long. this is just a chance situation that i need to wait out." - and so i continue through my days imagining that everything happening outside of my plan should be dismissed as circumstantial and my resulting behavior and reactions should not be taken into account as usual...

however, how i react and what i choose to do in these situations is very much a signal of my internal character and the things i am wrestling with at the time. i can no longer try and pretend that i am a victim of my circumstances, but i need to grab a hold of my life and procure greatness and viability from each day, planned or unplanned.

i can no longer make excuses for why i am sitting around waiting for my life to fall together. i need to assume responsibility for each day and pray that i can be okay with the idea that things will go without being planned, but the day can still be great and my attitude should still be positive and pure.

"But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power can rest in me." - 2 Corinthians 12:9*

i'm not over.

2009-05-28T12:36:00.000-05:00

*i took this picture when i was visiting kristen and UIC physical therapy school in chicago last weekend. i don't currently own a functional camera, so my phone is the best i have and this was through a window while driving in downtown traffic. so try to look beyond the blurriness :)

i like it because it has the word "shred" in it. ironic.
i work in an office (lame) and we have this hardcore shredder (coughcough) that like annihilates papers...when we have something that we don't want anyone else to see, something that needs to be destroyed so no one else can get their hand on it. we shred it. so when i think of the word 'shred'...i think complete destruction.

funny how people thought killing Jesus on a cross would do the same thing.
by killing him they thought they would end his life and with it all of the crazy things he was saying that they didn't want anyone else to hear. unlike those papers after they are shredded though - Jesus was not destroyed. he could never be ripped to shreds.

and even though he is no longer here on earth. we have been given the sacred document. the Bible. to continue to teach and pass on the information that God had written for us.

it is no secret. there is no way to destroy an everlasting God.

face down.

2009-05-15T22:43:00.000-05:00

"face down in the dirt, she said
this doesn't hurt, she said
i finally had enough."

there are moments in our lives were we feel like we are swimming in a sea of unknown. drowning even. there are moments in our lives when we aren't sure which way is up. there are moments in our lives when we are being taken by the current - swallowed by the waves.

there are also moments in our lives when we fight it. when we struggle to the surface and the breath of fresh air couldn't be more welcome. when our feet hit the sandy bottom that we were always supposed to feel and we are once again oriented in the right direction.

it is good. it is all good. it is life.

here i go, here i go, here i go again.

2009-05-04T21:55:00.000-05:00

favorite YOUTUBE video ever.
yup. that is one of my best friends and ex-facebook-wife. just saying...

it is finals week. spring 09. end of junior year. craziness is in the air.
the end. the beginning. the unknown...

i had a job interview friday that i am still waiting to hear back from. praying hard for it! that would be great to have...and know about at least soon. i hate when plans are up in the air still. i will be staying here in EL though...at least i know that.

i am excited. the last time i was home for the summer it was terrible. this year i will be here, but i will be staying at my house in EL...and i feel good things a brewing...big things. routine, thought process, ironic things about to bust onto the main stage that is my life. and i am so ready...

if you are my facebook friend you may have noticed that one of my interests is Relevant magazine. i just got the new issue and it is one of the best ones yet...here are the top three things i learned from it just on my first run through...

1. my life's priorities will flip without me intending them too, but i then need to INTENTIONALLY bring them back into balance. it is easy for us to get so busy with what we feel we are doing FOR God, that we forget about our relationship WITH him. in my case i feel that i have been in isolation for the past few years...of my own doing...but in doing so, i have placed myself in a position of not needing to ask for help - not needing to rely on God or friends - and i have kidded myself into thinking that if i work hard or long enough on something, then i can eventually overcome any obstacle. i have been living in deception and unintentionally created a cycle that is not helping my life... (Cameron Strang help put these words to my feelings)

2. we are a generation of irony. we will be known for the sarcastic twist we put on all things important. "I think so many of us Christians have become cynical and ironic because it is something safe to hide behind." (Matthew Paul Turner) - as Christians it is important for us to understand how irony impacts our relationships and where it is appropriate. irony is the epitome of pride and detaches us from real conversation. it is a way for us to show off how smart we think we are. in Romans 12:3 it is said that as Christians we are called to live humble lives in which we never think more highly of ourselves than we ought...ouch.

3. sloth. the overlooked commandment. sloth is not just laziness. it is a deceiver that moves us away from all the things that ultimately matter and gives us diversions and worldly things to keep us occupied. "sloth praises the ruts we dig for ourselves"...it is the voice in the back of our heads that says, "hey this is just the way it is" and helps us to continue the cycles that are keeping us away from God. "sloth chooses noise over silence. busyness over joy. anxiety over rest. soul-sucking indifference over a full-throated passion for life." (Jeff Cook)

good reminders as i close out this semester and a new way to look at the next.

the beginning of the end.

2009-04-10T07:48:00.001-05:00

in all the celebration of Easter, i don't think i give good friday enough credit.
Easter Sunday is what we as Christians base our whole faith on - true.
but none of that would feel as significant as it is if we didn't understand the sacrifice that was first made on good friday.

this article is coming out as the cover of next weeks newsweek magazine.

when you first see the headline and read the ensuing article, there is a clear note of "panic at first, but then shake your head and say 'what an over exaggeration'"...
but after reading it, i came to this conclusion...
the biggest scare in the article was the fact that the percentage of people who call themselves Christians has dropped significantly over the last decade. we would think, crap, our numbers are dropping or i can't believe those jerks...turning their backs on God.

but what if we stopped to think about it in a better way. what if those "self proclaimed Christians" never really were. what if they were the part of the population who called themselves Christians and then went to church on Easter and Christmas, prayed once in a while and felt like it was all just a chore. what if that group of people finally just decided to stop playing games and didn't call themselves Christians anymore because they realized the truth of the matter...that they weren't.

without that fake cover anymore, those people now have a chance to hear the good news this Sunday for real. maybe now they will reexamine Christianity. maybe now that they have renounced their fake cover, they will truly feel alone and search for something more. maybe they will rediscover faith for what it was intended and maybe they would have never found that truth if they hadn't first stripped themselves of their misconceptions.

...there are always numbers and statistics on everything. they can freak you out, make you feel like the world is ending as we know it. but i see a bigger shadow behind it all. and it is moving. God is moving.

remember.wrestle.renew your mind.

do you know that you are...

2009-04-08T15:06:00.000-05:00

dearly loved.

i am sitting in the library right now and realized i forgot to finish my last blog. i was mentioning the great time i have had this year and what a great decision it was for me to live with friends this year, although it has been a lot harder. one of my roommates in particular (*coughcough*) keeps reminding me that the end of the year is drawing closer and with it some of my roommates college careers are also drawing to a close...instead of dwelling in sadness and regret of things not done i figured this blog would be a way for me to make record of the great people i had a chance to share life with for one year of my life...

1. Roommate Round Two = Kaelyn Elizabeth Petras
this year i had a chance to live with kae for a second time in our college lives. the first being when we met as suite mates freshman year in good ol Lyman Briggs/Holmes Hall. we survived crazy roommate experiences freshman year and ended the year switching into one room together while both our roommates were gone for the weekend...oops...

i love kaelyn because of the trials our friendship has survived. we come from very different backgrounds and have a lot of different viewpoints, but somehow we have remained friends. after freshman year bringing us closer because of the crazy people we were surrounded by, sophomore year served to challenge our friendship because both of us were alone in our living situations...as weird as it sounds. we were both dealing with hard things and feeling the effects of being alone. we decided to live together this year though and thank God for that...

kae is a wise and relaxed person. when she is excited about something everyone knows it. when something weird/gross/abnormal happens, kaelyn knows and then so do the rest of us...she has a way of slicing any awkwardness in a situation and getting to the point. i think her best line of advice throughout our friendship has been "stop overthinking everything". she has taught me to relax and she has been a testament to me of the fact that God's will causes everything to work for good...taking classes together since freshman year we both aim for something beyond MSU and it has been tough for both of us to get there...after heartbreak, kae found that where there is a will there is a way and she is confident that she will reach her goals. kae causes me to believe in something better and never lets me settle for something she knows i won't be happy with.

next year will be weird. kae graduates in the winter and will move to St. Kit's in the Caribbean to go to vet school and pursue her dream. it will be weird not to be with her and her family on her birthday...it will be weird not to hear her random facts and stories...i will miss kaelyn a lot. she probably wouldn't think it, but she has definitely been a great part of who i am today.

I LOVE YOU KAE!

dearly loved.

2009-04-08T07:25:00.000-05:00

this past weekend i got to spend a lot of quality time with a dear friend. SELMSELM!

this year has been an amazing adventure for me. after a few hard years of feeling alone i decided to move in with some friends for a chance to live in a Godly community rather than save a few thousand dollars...some people would probably think that a rash decision, but after this year i can testify that it was one of the best decisions i have ever made...

it is very early in the am right now, so i will be back later this afternoon to finish my thoughts on the people i live with, but for now i will leave you with some photo documentation of our adventure in the D to watch the MSU boys play in the final four! it was exciting and a fun chance to escape the reality that this year is coming to a close...

*sad day for UCONN....NOT!

*we're gunna WIN!

*fun fans to be celebrating with...we are SPARTA!

*beautiful evening with a great friend :)

sleep well tonight...

2009-03-26T22:48:00.000-05:00

...i will sleep well tonight.
resting in the fact that i am loved.

especially by this boy.
i don't know how i got so lucky. how i got a second shot, but i have the most amazing boyfriend any girl could ask for. getting to fall asleep knowing he would do anything for me. knowing he loves me so much. knowing he is thinking about me and he is smiling.

it is love without having to say a word. the way he treats me, makes me feel...it tells of a love much greater than words could find a way to express. it is new. but it is real.

it is one more side of God's perfect love that i get to have revealed in my life. and i know God is so proud of the way he is loving me, because he is doing it exactly how i can imagine my Father himself would. he isn't perfect, but he is honest about his imperfection. he doesn't dwell in things he can't fix, but prays that he can try to. he doesn't wish for more than what he has, but he does what he can and knows that the path he is on is good.

i love a boy who is turning into a man. who is realizing who he is in Christ and standing firm in that. he is someone who holds me accountable for my choices, my actions and my words. he is vulnerable without seeming any less a man. he is honest without hurting me. he leads in a way that is easy for me to follow and to respect. not only me, but his friends, family and the young kids he knows are drawn to him and the way he carries himself. he isn't always a man of many words, but he is always a man of kindness, encouragement and hope.

i will sleep well tonight because i am blessed. he thinks he is the lucky one, but he has no idea that he is shaping everything that i am. :)

erin go bragh.

2009-03-17T16:07:00.000-05:00

love this day as a half-blood irish gal :)
but hate this day so far as i have been working noon-6pm in the dorms and listening to the insane things that college kids have been saying out loud in front of who knows who...here is a little sampling of some word for word phrases i have heard while sitting here on this beautiful day:

-girl to friend: "...he gave up drinking for lent and i was like 'what an idiot', i mean seriously, i was like 'ok, what are you going to do on st. patricks day?', and he was like 'not drink' and i was like 'ok, what a retard'"

-girl on phone: "...hahahaha, seriously, i was like crap everyone in my class totally knew i was the only one there who was drunk already" - proceeds to trip down the stairs and fall over the curb...

-girl on phone: "is there anything going on tonight? okay well i just need to find something, i have that test friday and i just want to forget about it, i don't even care"

-girl to friend: "god she is so pretty, they are both so pretty."
friend to girl: "okay, yeah but tonight it won't matter because everyone will be pretty!"

*okay it's college, everyone is bound to make a mistake. i mean, that is the essence of it right? get away from rules and make mistakes while you can still get away from it. not...i guess i will never really understand...

finding my fire.

2009-03-11T09:26:00.000-05:00

spring break is here and with it a mission.

i am over the fact that i am nowhere sweet or warm, but (hopefully) if my car gets fixed in the next 24-48 hours i will have a mini vacation to visit amazing friends in grand rapids and kalamazoo. :)

but anyways...the mission...
i have found that in the last year i have lost my zest for life. im not excited for those things that i used to be so excited for...namely sports and music.

i used to run to the gym almost everyday to get into a pick up game and i would never miss an MSU basketball game or other big one on tv. even things like the superbowl and nba playoffs were on my agenda. this past year though, i haven't played one game of basketball and i could care less about watching sports.

as far as music...i used to spend all my free time surfing the web and finding new bands and great lyrics that describe my life and finding lots of illegal ways to get it to my itunes and ipod. this past summer i filled my 30G ipod and had to reel in my passion by *sniff* deleting some things...over christmas break though my ipod crashed and i had to say goodbye to 3 years of collected music...throw in the fact that my cd drive doesn't work on my computer to reupload music...and lets just say i have been listening to the same few songs for a few months now...

my mission? - rekindling my fires. finding those passions that have been buried for so long and figuring out how to have a love for them again. not to say they have to be the most important things...but i just feel like my life has become boring with nothing to look forward to and nothing to get excited over like before...no concerts, no game day festivities...

i am praying for passion. i feel like i have just let my life be dull. as a christian the number one thing i combat is being a boring christian and i feel like i have become one...no more friends. bring on the adventures, the music and the basketball. i'm backkkkkk...

happiness.

2009-03-03T13:42:00.000-06:00

"Don't give up on the hope
That keeps you breathing
Cause after all is said and done
It's all your lonely heart has

So look forward to your day of liberation
When you can stop grieving"
*the wedding*

speed of sound.

2009-02-26T15:43:00.000-06:00

How long before I get in?
Before it starts, before I begin?

How long do I have to climb,
Up on the side of this mountain of mine?

All that noise, and all that sound,
All those places I got found.

*coldplay - speed of sound*

my prayer today is that i can take time to figure out what God is trying to say to me. i feel like i am getting lost in the shuffle and lost inside of myself and i need to be paying closer attention to where God is directing me and what he has been saying. i always listen, but lately i haven't been getting it...or rather, i have been too stubborn to admit that something is wrong.

i am getting worse and worse at hiding how i truly feel and i am struggling with how to deal with those things i am not really okay with. should i speak up or do i just have to change my own perspective on it? i don't like feeling unhappy...it is such a waste of beautiful day.

and i cannot wait another year.

2009-02-17T12:51:00.000-06:00

it has been one year since i have played basketball.

it's just a small little ligament, but it has been the bane of my existence.

for one of my classes i have to summarize two random studies out of a sports journal and one that i found was about women overcoming ACL injuries and the emotional toll it takes. it says in the conclusion of the article that there are three themes that accompany rehab of this injury: "uncertainty about the future of participating in sports, not being sure of what your body can do anymore and the psychological effects that having a scar has on you and people's perceptions of you."

this time hurt and away from playing basketball has been so much harder than i would ever care to admit. sitting, riding in cars, crossing my legs, kneeling, even walking to class causes me pain now on a daily basis, but i never feel right in admitting that weakness. i'm not okay with the fact that i am just too scared to play again. i have still been happy, sure, basketball isn't all i live for. but for so long it was something i cared so greatly about...it's like losing someone close to you...not so drastic, but still.

i get frustrated because i never expected to be an all star. i patiently sat the bench and watched all through high school coming in and out from injury, but i just loved being a part of the team. coming into college i finally played purely for the love of it. playing inbetween classes and on weekday nights as study breaks, it was amazing. i am still working towards understanding why i was sidelined again. sometimes it feels like im not supposed to play anymore and i think that is what keeps me away...but really i am just too proud to be out there playing like a beginner.

i know if i come back i will have to come back slow and i can't do that. i think that's why i have preferred shooting alone in the comfort of an empty gym, because when my frustration at playing so bad gets the best of me, i don't want people to see that. i hate people being cautious with me and asking me if i'm ok, i hate people knowing i am hurt...i hate my scars not for the superficial reasons, but for the fact that they are a permanent reminder to other people that something isn't quite right and i just want to be normal.

it's not something i can explain, it's not something people can help me with. it is just a frustrating truth that i am faced to work through each day. i'm not good at it, some days i choose to push it aside and not think about it, some days it's all i can think about. God and i have had a lot of conversations about it though, it's good that we are still so honest with each other over the issue. i am just praying for another good chance, praying for the strength to face myself and put it back on the line, because i can't wait another year.