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Thursday, February 21, 2008


for the last few days i have been clinging to psalm 142:3

"When my spirit was overwhelmed within me, then, You knew my path."

i have been running on high stress levels and low sleep levels for the last few days now. i keep getting visions of wearing a brace again and having my leg all wrapped up again....i am getting so freaked out. i am so scared. i can't handle this right now. i can't wrap my head around the possibility of going through another acl surgery...

the thing that scares me most is how real this body is. if i have to get surgery again, I am going to have two bad knees...two knees that will be tricky...two knees...all i have. and they will never ever again be normal. i am so scared....

i know that God works through all things. i know that God won't put me through more than i can me...i clung to those promises the first two times. but as a see a third looming in the future...i cant help but ask God if im missing something. what the heck is it that i am only going to learn through this? why not another way God? any other way but this...

this life is no longer my own. last night, laying in bed completely broken, i saw that there will be absolutely no way i can handle this surgery a third time. i physically and emotionally don't know if i can withstand this...and that's why i surrender. God i surrender it all to you, right now...take this burden and carry it for me, because i can't do it.

pray for me. pray for the doctors decisions. pray for the future. and pray that God's will becomes clear to me.

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