flaws (why being engaged sucks).

as you read this post. listen to this. it's just good!

alright, before you misinterpret me. number one:

i am madly and insanely in love with eric. 

he is the one my soul loves.

there is literally no question that i want to spend the rest of my life with him. 

so there's that.

however. being engaged for approximately 3.5 months now, in my humble opinion the rules of engagement are thus...

take two sinful souls

+ lots of opinions

+ hidden expectations

+ not so hidden expectations

+ did i mention opinions?

+ indecisiveness

+ deadlines, deadlines, deadlines

= frustration with a capital "F"

we ran headlong into engagement in a whirlwind re-romance to say the least.

it was fun and surprising and adventurous. i loved it.

since then, i have slowly slid into the angsty existence that is my day to day.

the first thing i learned about planning a wedding, was the unspoken but totally excepted rule that as the bride you can and should get whatever you want and make the day completely your own. 

this was followed closely by item #2 - pinterest and wedding photography have created an expectation that your wedding day should fully and completely embody who you and your fiance are as a couple, from the songs you pick to the side of the plate your forks are on and how many things are wrapped in twine or burlap. mis-step and your marriage will go down in history as being...*gasp*...LAME!

---

when eric and i talked about getting married and first got engaged, the most important thing to us has and always will be the idea of professing not only our love, but our faith and what we believe marriage is intended for, by way of our ceremony. this is pretty much your one opportunity to have all your friends and family in the same place, where they can really hear this about who you are together.

however, these last few months have been a constant tug-o-war of feelings and priorities.

"I could get married anywhere!! As long as I am with you in the end!!...ok, but not there..."

"Lets just book it, these frustrations aren't worth it. Well, lets call this other place first..."

"We don't need to spend a lot of money, we can cut costs. Can I have an extra $600 for my dress?"

...you get the point...

if we don't already have to deal with the temptations of selfishness in everyday life, these feelings are multiplied tenfold within an engaged relationship. eric and i live in different cities and we are getting married where he lives, (which he has been SUPER helpful about!) but my oldest child mentality makes me feel automatically angry that i can't just go check out all these venues on my own when i have time.

i find that at the end of the day, after work, grad school homework, eating and whatever else needs to be done, i am using my leftover energy to communicate with eric - which is typically a recipe for disaster in my case. 

at 11pm, while i am sitting in bed thinking about all the things i didn't get done that day, i call him. while the phone is ringing, i am just eager to hear his voice, i just want to unwind and feel comfort in listening to him. however, as soon as he picks up, i usually quickly fall into "why didn't you do this" and "when are you going to do this" and i hang up feeling more frustrated than i did. it sucks that when life gets ugly, it is pretty much a guarantee that the people you love most get your worst sides. 

i think that all these lessons are a sneak peak into the married life, but they are a lot easier to hate, because you don't get all the good parts that go with married life. you get a laundry list of decisions you and your parents are supposed to make, rather quickly, while shelling out lots of monies.

biblically, engagement (so to speak), is a period of preparation and anticipation.

it i necessary for both people, intended as a bit of extra time to remember that none of this is EVER supposed to be about ourselves. by choosing to enter into a marriage covenant with another person, you are choosing to say "yes" to laying down your own life for the life of another - while trusting that your spouse will do the same for you. talk about scary!!

engagement sucks, in todays culture, because the pressure can so quickly consume the joy.

in this time of prep, i have to decide to be a little bit less concerned with what color the carpet in the banquet hall is and a lot more concerned with 

choosing to be kind, 

choosing to be patient 

and choosing joy!

any good engagement advice??