when i'm not myself.

sometimes i just don't know what's wrong anymore.
i know that something isn't right and i know that i'm not happy with myself sometimes, but i can't figure out what to do about it. it's bad when you can't even see the fact that you are acting like a jerk sometimes, but i know that i act like a jerk and i can't seem to figure out how to stop it.
this year i have been letting the sarcastic side of myself win over.
i have had one boyfriend and something we always talked about was sarcasm and how to control it. it kind of ruined the way we treated each other. instead of taking time to really get to know one another sometimes we just tried to make each other laugh or i would just try to make him think i was hilarious. but i feel like i use it as a cop out and a way to avoid reality. i just act sarcastic to get out of awkward situations or conversations when i really need to just grow up and act like a woman.

i get a magazine called Brio. it's a magazine geared towards christian girls trying to become women and it was packed full of exactly the things i needed to read this month. there was an article on acting like a girl and acting like a woman. here is what it said:
1. A girl downplays compliments while a woman knows how to accept them and take credit for something she has done well.
2. A girl steers clear of confrontation while a woman knows it is important to let others know what she thinks about certain situations.
3. A girl apologizes too much and takes the blame for things that aren't even her fault and a woman takes ownership for those things that are her fault otherwise she offers help, but refuses to take the blame for things that aren't her fault.
4. A girl is a people-pleaser striving for peace with all at all costs while a woman knows how to say no and realizes that genuine friends are those who will understand when she has to say no, understands she has a reason and loves her anyways.

let me tell you i have tons of room to grow in every single one of these points. this week i am learning to keep my heart clean, run towards God through everything, and grow into a woman of God. i see that there is a long and treacherous road laid out before me that will challenge me again and again and i can only pray that i represent God as a true woman after his own heart in each of those situations.
pray for me in this battle.

"Therefore I do not run like a man running aimlessly; I do not fight like a man beating the air."
-1 Corinthians 9:26