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Wednesday, December 31, 2008

can you help me find a way to carry on again?

some days you just feel like...really? come on now....really?

things happen and you have little to no control over that.
it sucks.

in the past few days i have been in conversation with a number of different people about random and different things, but the theme is the same throughout...everyone is frustrated with some aspect of their lives...something isn't going "as planned", something isn't working out to our advantage.

we feel like we finally get to a point in our lives when we have everything caught up and under control and we can breathe...but there is that underlying fear of knowing for certain that eventually something will creep up unnoticed and throw our lives and schedules into disarray once again.

i was home for Christmas break this last week. it was great to be home with everyone...but it was different this year. usually when i have gone home for breaks in the past it feels like i am returning to a stable condition that is the same as when i left. but this year it felt like i was an outsider coming into a home. i didn't know what to do with myself for most of the week and so resorted to sleeping for long periods of time...haha, which isn't bad. it was a weird feeling, like not knowing what to do, but enjoying my time, but then feeling waves of guilt when i said my goodbyes on sunday.

to my family, home is still home...i know it always will be. but it never feels like a place i can staystay anymore to me now. just a place to visit. i don't have a room or a place for my things anymore...i don't have a routine about the house...i am just there. i feel like i shouldn't be there for extended periods of time anymore...i have a different home with all my belongings and i am surrounded by great friends that i love spending time with. it's not a bad thing, but i can't figure out that strong urge to cry i feel everytime i pull away from my home and wave to family standing in the front window.

anyways...the point to that random tangent about home, was that we feel like we are finally where we are supposed to be. i was so happy to be on break, not have to worry about school and just relax. happy to go home and not have to cook or do laundry but just sit in good company with no plans or stress...but as much as going home was a vacation to me, it is the everyday lives of my family members living there...their routines continue and their plans don't change too much. i forget that. as soon as i feel like i am safe from stress i start to feel it when i walk in to someone elses life.

it comes from any direction and any time. unannouced.
i have to remind myself that if all our stressors were obvious in their approach or easy to cure we would have no need for prayer. no need for falling to our knees and crying out the the God we have all of our hope and trust in. things suck and don't make sense on quite a regular basis...but new and improved Dilyn in 2009 is trying not to live fear to fear or unplan to unplan.
i am just trying to live in faith.

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