disintegration.

in the middle of round two of sleepless nights, i find myself searching for free.

in the last 48 hours i have made steps towards God and understanding his unfathomable grace for me. they seem simple and redundant, but they are huge and freeing. in the last 4 years i have changed. i have learned some valuable lessons in very hard ways. and most importantly i have finally begun to understand just how vast God's unconditional love for me really is.

in order to understand how big grace is, i have to understand how big my sin is. i do. all my life i have lived under the radar. i have squeaked through on the morality scales and managed to fool tons of people into believing that i am quite perfect and pleasing to God. i am here to admit that i am one of the worlds biggest hypocrites you may ever get the chance to meet. and i am happy to get that in the air because i can now stop hiding behind the phony mask that i have been trying to wear and bask in the unbelievable overflow of grace that is being poured out on me right this second.

to pretend as though i have never struggled is silly. it is robbing God of the right to be glorified through my life. i am crazy to believe that making people believe that i am basically a saint will win me a cooler house in heaven. Jesus Christ made me. he knew before what sins i was capable of and he made me anyways, because above any of that he knew that i was also capable of loving Him. he knew that i could be a great example of a person in dire need of his forgiveness. i am honored.

i am also recovering. in the Ragamuffin Gospel, writer Brennan Manning lets us know that we are silly, insignificant, incapable beings who will mess up and mess up and mess up. we are destined for failure and death. {insert God's insane grace}. okay - now we are meaningful. now we have reasons and responsibilities and purposes. figuring out that no matter what you try to use as a band-aid on your life, you will still bleed through is a crushing discovery. i am wounded and i am confused and i am in shock of the state of myself. but the freedom i feel in confession and in beginning the journey of redemption is the light at the end of this tunnel.

it sucks that everything is a process. that we are continually starting new processes. i know this will be a long climb out. but i feel free to roll around in the grace that i am being drowned in. i am just now at 22 years realizing this indescribable gift and i want so badly to understand it better and appreciate it more. thank God.