where have you been.

two years ago, i walked across the stage at MSU and took my diploma. at the time i still didn't know if i had passed my last class, thus i didn't know if i had actually graduated. that afternoon, as i spent time with dear family, as they gathered around me and celebrated a great accomplishment, i remember feeling removed from the situation. i couldn't feel happy, because i didn't want to look like an idiot, when i had to tell those same family members that i actually didn't graduate. that i had to come back to State in the summer and take that dumb class again.


((lo and behold, i passed. i still say in an act of grace, my professor bumped up my grade. that was an incredibly hard class.))


why is it that i can't just accept the love and the grace that is freely handed out to me on a regular basis? why as humans are we programmed to feel as though we need to earn it? 


in the two years since graduating, i have worked some pretty random jobs. moved a few times. visited some friends. made some new ones. went in and out of a few relationships. and consistently cried out to the Lord to show me my way. 


in the end, through all my worry and effort. i find myself again walking down the long empty hallway, toward my grade posting. nervous to see if the diploma i received was a fake or the real thing. i get there, scan the list and breath relief when i realize it was real and i never have to set foot in these classrooms again. 


but how selfish of me to believe that my efforts brought me here.
how prideful of me to ever believe that what i carry in my hands is fake. 
what the Lord gives to us, he gives with value. it is never fake. 


i cannot earn it.
i cannot deserve it.
i cannot fight for it.
i cannot win it.


i can only be washed by grace. handed a free gift of life.
and i can sit in the presence of my Savior, as he praises me and tells me i am fearfully and wonderfully made. and i can believe it. i can be all there. i don't have to worry about what more i can do. i will never look like an idiot.


i am still learning what grace is. i am discovering the incredible ways i have been blessed. the heaps and heaps of love that are poured out on me daily. but just because i don't fully know, doesn't mean i can't trust it. take it and run with it. 


i am not going to be loved or successful because i can be good enough.
i will be loved and successful because God is good enough.