flaws (why being engaged sucks).

as you read this post. listen to this. it's just good!

alright, before you misinterpret me. number one:

i am madly and insanely in love with eric. 

he is the one my soul loves.

there is literally no question that i want to spend the rest of my life with him. 

so there's that.

however. being engaged for approximately 3.5 months now, in my humble opinion the rules of engagement are thus...

take two sinful souls

+ lots of opinions

+ hidden expectations

+ not so hidden expectations

+ did i mention opinions?

+ indecisiveness

+ deadlines, deadlines, deadlines

= frustration with a capital "F"

we ran headlong into engagement in a whirlwind re-romance to say the least.

it was fun and surprising and adventurous. i loved it.

since then, i have slowly slid into the angsty existence that is my day to day.

the first thing i learned about planning a wedding, was the unspoken but totally excepted rule that as the bride you can and should get whatever you want and make the day completely your own. 

this was followed closely by item #2 - pinterest and wedding photography have created an expectation that your wedding day should fully and completely embody who you and your fiance are as a couple, from the songs you pick to the side of the plate your forks are on and how many things are wrapped in twine or burlap. mis-step and your marriage will go down in history as being...*gasp*...LAME!

---

when eric and i talked about getting married and first got engaged, the most important thing to us has and always will be the idea of professing not only our love, but our faith and what we believe marriage is intended for, by way of our ceremony. this is pretty much your one opportunity to have all your friends and family in the same place, where they can really hear this about who you are together.

however, these last few months have been a constant tug-o-war of feelings and priorities.

"I could get married anywhere!! As long as I am with you in the end!!...ok, but not there..."

"Lets just book it, these frustrations aren't worth it. Well, lets call this other place first..."

"We don't need to spend a lot of money, we can cut costs. Can I have an extra $600 for my dress?"

...you get the point...

if we don't already have to deal with the temptations of selfishness in everyday life, these feelings are multiplied tenfold within an engaged relationship. eric and i live in different cities and we are getting married where he lives, (which he has been SUPER helpful about!) but my oldest child mentality makes me feel automatically angry that i can't just go check out all these venues on my own when i have time.

i find that at the end of the day, after work, grad school homework, eating and whatever else needs to be done, i am using my leftover energy to communicate with eric - which is typically a recipe for disaster in my case. 

at 11pm, while i am sitting in bed thinking about all the things i didn't get done that day, i call him. while the phone is ringing, i am just eager to hear his voice, i just want to unwind and feel comfort in listening to him. however, as soon as he picks up, i usually quickly fall into "why didn't you do this" and "when are you going to do this" and i hang up feeling more frustrated than i did. it sucks that when life gets ugly, it is pretty much a guarantee that the people you love most get your worst sides. 

i think that all these lessons are a sneak peak into the married life, but they are a lot easier to hate, because you don't get all the good parts that go with married life. you get a laundry list of decisions you and your parents are supposed to make, rather quickly, while shelling out lots of monies.

biblically, engagement (so to speak), is a period of preparation and anticipation.

it i necessary for both people, intended as a bit of extra time to remember that none of this is EVER supposed to be about ourselves. by choosing to enter into a marriage covenant with another person, you are choosing to say "yes" to laying down your own life for the life of another - while trusting that your spouse will do the same for you. talk about scary!!

engagement sucks, in todays culture, because the pressure can so quickly consume the joy.

in this time of prep, i have to decide to be a little bit less concerned with what color the carpet in the banquet hall is and a lot more concerned with 

choosing to be kind, 

choosing to be patient 

and choosing joy!

any good engagement advice??

Wolverine FNO!

this past friday night i was so honored to attend the Wolverine fall preview party in downtown Grand Rapids, co-hosted by the beautful Tieka of Selective Potential!

it was a part of the yearly "Fashion's Night Out" that Grand Rapids is a part of and for this event we were hosted by the Reserve wine bar, right in the heart of town. it is always such an exciting time of year, because fall (which if you haven't already figured by the explosion of social media excitement, is pretty much everybody's favorite season) is rolling in and with it Art Prize hits the downtown space. 

even though it is a relatively new yearly tradition, this international art festival that spans over a month, is increasingly, crazily popular! this week was it's kickoff, so downtown was pretty insane!

(this one is stolen from the lovely Mel of The Bee's Knees!)

it was so amazing to be in the room with so many cool girls!

i have been a huge blog fan for years, but have always found it is easier for me to write than to take and edit pictures too - but i have dreamed and dreamed about making it happen! 

i just felt so inspired being surrounded by so many girls with huge goals and incredible drive! i am excited to see where this next year takes me and my blog, it's easy to convince ourselves that we are in a box and only some people break out of the box, but i think creativity is in each of our souls and needs to be nurtured and used just like anything else!

Eric was in town to hang out for the evening and we got to spend time afterwards talking about all our hopes and dreams for the future! it is such an exciting time! we walked around the ArtPrize venues for a little bit after the show and then went and had drinks and pizza with some friends at Z's. 

he's the best. 

saturday we drove back to Lansing for a little then hit the road all the way to Detroit to get dinner with Eric's whole immediate family and hang out! now that everyone is older and married and moved away, it's harder for us all to get together as often - especially now as we are planning our future and thinking about family, it was just so nice to be with everyone and just drink and talk and laugh!

sunday we started pre-marriage counseling after church. 

turns out....we just might make it after all!! ;)

we are so blessed. seriously.

then sings my soul.

over the last few months i have taken an unexpected hiatus from the blog.

you see, life is curious and in the shortest time, incredible things can happen.

one month ago, a very special man surprised me with the question of a lifetime. 

the contents of my heart are far too big for this one post, but i am finally onto the other side of processing and aside from storing up treasures in my own heart, i would love to share some of what i've gone through. 

lauren and i had made plans months ago to go up to Traverse City for the last weekend in July. as is custom, we decided to make a first stop at the beautiful Sleeping Bear Dunes to catch the Friday night sunset after work. while it was cold and rainy and there wasn't much of a sunset, there was a much cooler sight to see.

my man, Eric, was waiting for me on the overlook. hands in pockets, the expanse of water behind and a very mischievous grin on his mouth. i walked toward him, at first unable to focus my eyes as i realized that it was really him in front of me.

"no wayyyyyy." was all i could keep saying, over and over again.

then i blacked out and can't remember anything else he said.

i mean, no i didn't pass out - but i might as well have.

my ears just started ringing and everything went silent and i jumped into his arms and realized that i would get to be his forever. 

the moments that had led us to that spot on the top of Lake Michigan were the sweetest and most painful of memories. knowing each other for 9 years, we have grow up together and have seen each other through a lot of different things. 

threaded through it all, is the indescribable grace of the Lord that has covered us small sinners with enough grace and mercy to bring us to that moment of bliss. reminded that it is through Christ that all riches and blessings flow and they have indeed flowed onto us. 

(sorry, can't show all the candid's right now - saving those for the wedding!)

age old trade.

eric came up for the day and we got to hang out for 24 hours! always a welcomed treat since we have been living a little over an hour apart since this summer. we went out to a little restaurant in downtown GR called Cottage Bar for some really good burgers, hit the mall for some Christmas returns and met up with my roommate Shan and her fiance to watch the Lion's football game (sadly, they lost).

my home church, Riverview showed this video today during the service recapping some pretty powerful moments that happened in our world over the last year. what do you think about it? i honestly didn't even know much if anything about some of it! i should probably get on that in this here new year.

now i am just getting ready to start my new job tomorrow! wahoo! wish me luck!