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Tuesday, February 17, 2009

and i cannot wait another year.

it has been one year since i have played basketball.

it's just a small little ligament, but it has been the bane of my existence.

for one of my classes i have to summarize two random studies out of a sports journal and one that i found was about women overcoming ACL injuries and the emotional toll it takes. it says in the conclusion of the article that there are three themes that accompany rehab of this injury: "uncertainty about the future of participating in sports, not being sure of what your body can do anymore and the psychological effects that having a scar has on you and people's perceptions of you."

this time hurt and away from playing basketball has been so much harder than i would ever care to admit. sitting, riding in cars, crossing my legs, kneeling, even walking to class causes me pain now on a daily basis, but i never feel right in admitting that weakness. i'm not okay with the fact that i am just too scared to play again. i have still been happy, sure, basketball isn't all i live for. but for so long it was something i cared so greatly's like losing someone close to you...not so drastic, but still.

i get frustrated because i never expected to be an all star. i patiently sat the bench and watched all through high school coming in and out from injury, but i just loved being a part of the team. coming into college i finally played purely for the love of it. playing inbetween classes and on weekday nights as study breaks, it was amazing. i am still working towards understanding why i was sidelined again. sometimes it feels like im not supposed to play anymore and i think that is what keeps me away...but really i am just too proud to be out there playing like a beginner.

i know if i come back i will have to come back slow and i can't do that. i think that's why i have preferred shooting alone in the comfort of an empty gym, because when my frustration at playing so bad gets the best of me, i don't want people to see that. i hate people being cautious with me and asking me if i'm ok, i hate people knowing i am hurt...i hate my scars not for the superficial reasons, but for the fact that they are a permanent reminder to other people that something isn't quite right and i just want to be normal.

it's not something i can explain, it's not something people can help me with. it is just a frustrating truth that i am faced to work through each day. i'm not good at it, some days i choose to push it aside and not think about it, some days it's all i can think about. God and i have had a lot of conversations about it though, it's good that we are still so honest with each other over the issue. i am just praying for another good chance, praying for the strength to face myself and put it back on the line, because i can't wait another year.

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